I Never Stopped | ongoing

Chapter 20 | Here For You

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It's Sawyer and I's first Christmas together and I can't wait to spend it with him. Since I spent Thanksgiving with him and his family, he's coming over today to hang out with all of my family and I.

We've taken the first few days of our Winter Break to ourselves to just unwind from finals and all that stuff so I'm itching to see him and just give him a big hug. I've missed him.

I talked to him, Peyton and Margot about what happened with my mom and they all seemed pretty upset about it. Their reactions made me feel better about mine, and after a three hour intervention on the subject, I just decided to let it go.

I love my mom and deep down I know she didn't mean it. She probably didn't even realize that she didn't say it, which is understandable. Next time, I'll just work a little harder to show her that she can be proud of me too. But as of now, I'm not going to stress about it because this is my break and I don't even want to think about school right now.

So, while I've been relaxing and reading most of my days away, I also spent some time doing a little bit of self reflecting. I came to the conclusion that I'm going to tell Sawyer I love him. It took a lot of convincing and gaslighting, but my vagina shapeshifted into a dick and grew me some balls. Which is why, today after the family is done opening presents and Sawyer and I have given each other our gifts, I'm just gonna say it.

I was gonna try to make it special like make a sign for him or some shit, but we're really not those types of people. We enjoy the simple things, the little things, so I know that no matter how I tell him, big or not, he'll appreciate it.

The thought of him not saying it back has been the main concern but I've come to realize that it doesn't matter if he says it back or not because I love him and I want him to know.

Say what you feel when you feel it.

That's what I always tell myself. This is a scary world where horrible things happen to people everyday. I don't want something bad to happen one day and Sawyer not know that I love him.

I mean, that'll never happen but it's better to be safe than sorry.

Anyway, I text Sawyer and start to get ready so I can help my mom organize all the food and cutlery before everyone arrives.

As I'm dressing into my outfit—a forest green knitted cardigan, light denim high-waisted straight leg jeans, and my old dirty white converse—I hear my phone ping from where it's charging on my bed.