There'll Be Storms (Spanking Story)

Chapter 58

CHARLIE'S POV:

There are days when I feel like I've got a grasp of being a parent, that fatherhood isn't as difficult to accomplish as I think it is, but there are also days where everything falls apart. Days when Eryk and Cody are fighting each other, fighting others, days when one of them is tangled in the trauma they've suffered, or days when I lose my temper with one of them. Sometimes all three at once. On those days especially I start to wonder whether I'm doing enough for them. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing too much, that I'm being too assertive or abrasive in their lives. I question my motives, my tone of voice, anreven my very capacity when fathering them. There are so many days when I feel like a failure. 

A thousand thoughts were running through my head as I watched my two boys play cards at the dining room table, enjoying Eryk's last night in the house before going off to military school. They seemed so happy, neither acting as if this were a bittersweet or sad moment premised by the requirement of Eryk's departure. Apparently, I was the only one.

Eryk's heartfelt message still lingering in my thoughts. You have to do better with Cody. It's strange; Eryk leaving for military school has left me with mixed messages. On one hand I feel very proud in who he's becoming, proud of who he is, but on the other, I feel deep parental guilt for my conduct with Cody. I am doing such a horrible job that my eldest had to speak up regarding it. 

The military taught me that self-doubt is a very valid way of assessing your decisions and actions and recognizing where you need to improve or make amends. In many ways, it can be used as constructive criticism that can resolve a lot of your insecurities. That's precisely how I need to channel my parental self-doubt, but I don't know where to start. How do I began building a foundation of trust and connection with my son who has been traumatized so much by others and by my own inactions? 

Unfortunately, I don't have a great model for mindful communication. 

"Where's Charlie?" Dad asked Bryan, passing through the kitchen. 

I shut my eyes immediately. Sometimes, the only way I could get out of a punishment in the moment is if I were asleep. For whatever reason, that was the only time dad would have mercy on us.

"He's in the living room sir, asleep."

I could hear the footsteps growing louder as he approached, but they suddenly came to a halt when Bryan stepped in front of dad. Squinching my eyes slightly open, I could see dad had his eyebrows raised, the usual warning shot he'd flash at us.

"Dad, please leave him alone for now. He went through enough."

"And you think you have the experience to know that?" Dad challenged.

Bryan's posture shifted slightly, showing his discomfort. "I've always looked out for him...so I think I can gauge when he needs a break. You already punished him, what more do you want?"

"There's a reason behind everything I do, Bryan, and sometimes," He took a step closer. "you have to learn things the hard way. Like not to question my authority or interfere when I'm disciplining your brother." His voice increased.

"B-but dad, your punishments are really..." I could tell Bryan was cautiously choosing his words, not wanting to insult him. "really harsh. Charlie learned his lesson, I promise." 

Dad shoved his fingers into Bryan's chest. "Don't you raise your voice to me!" 

"I-I didn't sir, I'm just trying to explain..."

I heard Bryan fumble from dad moving him aside but he quickly regained his balance and blocked his path. 

"Dad! Leave, leave him alone and...and I'll take whatever it is you give me if it means he can sleep for the rest of the night."