Chapter 15

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Charlie was waiting in the lobby for us and he seemed pretty anxious to hear about my first day of therapy. Eryk was sitting with him, but he didn't seem as optimistic about anything that was going on.

"Hey, how was your first day?" Charlie asked as he stood up and put his hand on my shoulder.

"Not bad, Mr. Green is really cool." I tried to smile but I was still a little upset about revisiting my past.

"See? I told you it wouldn't be so bad. How about we go out for some pizza?" He asked us and we both reluctantly nodded.

Charlie took us to some place called Mama Peppinos for a large pizza and he even gave us some quarters to play games on the computer screens they had there. The pizza was really good, we got stuffed crust and there was pepperoni on every inch of the dough. It was nice to see Eryk and Charlie laugh again after what I had to think about today.
There was something that Mr. green said that I can't get out of my mind; what did he mean by it? Say it to them, say it for them because they're worth saying it to. What does he want me to tell them? I talk to Eryk often about what I'm feeling and a lot of the time he'll listen and actually help me through it so what more did I need to say to him? And I've had a lot of deep talks with Charlie, even though he made me, but it was still the point of it.

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"Hey Cody, could you come down here?" Charlie asked from the bottom of the stairs.

I looked at my door and sighed, "Hey guys, I'll be back in a few." I took off my headset and paused the game.

I walked downstairs where Charlie was sitting on the couch with his hand on his neck and a worried expression. I know that expression, and it never meant anything good for anyone.

"What's going on? Where's Eryk?" I looked through the doorway and didn't see him in the kitchen.

"He went to the store to get bread and milk."

Gee, thanks for asking me if I wanted to go Eryk. Charlie motioned me forward and he moved over so I could sit next to him.

"What are you doing?"

"Playing a game with my friends." He smiled and nodded.

"We never really got to talk about what exactly happened during your first therapy session, so why don't you tell me what you talked about."

"Umm," I looked down and started to get shaky because I know he's beating around the bush. "just about the beginning and what happened."

"Okay," he leaned forward and I moved back some because he was making me nervous being that close to me. "how have you been feeling lately? How are you? psychologically. "

"I've been fine Charlie, okay? What's going on?" I was getting angry because he stalling and he's making me feel like I'm some weird kid who needs special attention.

"Give me your hand." He said bluntly.

"Why?"

"Because I said so, now give it to me." He demanded this time.

I handed him my left hand, he didn't hesitate to grab my elbow and pull up my sleeve. He looked at my wrist and then grabbed my other hand and did the same thing.

"Stand up." He sighed this time.

I did and he pulled me in front of him; he lifted my shirt and examined my back and my stomach. I know what he's looking for.

"Turn." he instructed to look at my shoulders and neck but he didn't find what he's looking for.

I took a deep breath and tried to remain calm so he would just move on and forget about the whole thing.

"Do you have shorts on underneath your sweatpants?" He looked down and then looked me in the eyes but I turned away fast.

"Yes sir."

"Take them off." He recognized my nervousness.

"No, I don't want to..."

"Do not argue with me Cody, now take them off." He tilted my chin up so I would be forced to look him in the eyes. "You can barely look at me right now, I know you're hiding something. Don't make me get it out of you."

I bit my lip and pulled down my pants very slowly so the lining wouldn't scrape up against the cuts. It was then he found what he was looking for, and believe me when I say that they weren't pretty. He found my biggest secret, Eryk wasn't the only one having episodes. I was just better at hiding mine.

"What is this?" He asked somewhat angrily.

I turned my head and I felt so embarrassed.

"Look it happened a while ago, it's nothing." I tried to assure him that I was taking a break.

"These are fresh Cody, this happened recently and you know it did." He stood up and I backed away, afraid of what he's going to do next. "Cody, what the hell were you thinking?"

"It was stupid I know it was, and it still is. It hurt," I bit my lip. "It hurt a lot and I won't do it again."

"What would even possess you to do this? I thought we were doing okay, I thought you were adjusting and you were growing to like this place..." He started to get frustrated and probably hurt, almost like he thought it was his fault.

I shoved my hands behind me to stop the shaking. His face was turning red but I still couldn't look him in the eyes and tell him that I did this because it was mom's birthday last week...and no one remembered. Even Eryk didn't, or at least he didn't mention it to me. Maybe it was because he was in so much pain and he didn't want to share it with me.

"Well?" He reached across him and grabbed my elbow. "Tell me why you did this...I can't help you if you don't tell me what's wrong."

"I got low, okay?" He let me go. "I didn't see an end to the pain, the nightmares, the memories... so I put a knife to my leg, but I took it away after a few cuts." I spit out and didn't want to mention mom.

"Something must have set you off. Tell me what it is."

"Last Saturday was mom's birthday and no one...no one remembered her. She's being forgotten and she only died a month ago!" I started to yell from the rage.

"I knew it was your mom's birthday..." His eyes turned glassy and his face was even redder than what it was before. "but neither of you mentioned it and I didn't think I should have. I'm so, so sorry that I didn't. I should have been the one who's strong and had a talk about it with both of you. I promise you Cody no one has forgotten your mother, I never could and I know neither of you could either."

He put his hand on the back of my neck and pulled me into his chest. I wrapped my arms around him and started to cry on his shoulder.

"Take a deep breath buddy...let it out."

He waited a few minutes for me to stop crying before he pulled me up to face him, he seemed more composed now. I guess it never occurred to me that Charlie went through the same thing I went through, he lost mom before and he could never have her back. She was his girlfriend before she was my mother so I know he understands the pain that I feel.

"Cody, killing or even hurting yourself won't make you feel any better. Believe me. I don't wanna have this talk again, and from now on I'll be watching you much closer. "

I nodded and thought of how well that's gonna be.

"And, until otherwise," he cuffed his hand on the back of my neck. "We're going to have weekly inspections of this and you're going to start going to therapy three times a week now."

"Uh, that's completely unfair!" I yelled.

"No it's not. Sometimes our thoughts gets the best of us and we have a tendency to act irrationally...unfortunately in this situation, if they get the best of you, there's no turning back."

"I said I would stop! What? You don't trust me?" I tried pulling the guilt trip.

"After seeing this, I don't know if I can."

"But I...."

"End of discussion Cody."

End of discussion Cody. Our conversations always end with that phrase. Will I ever get the last word?

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