Chances with you

Chapter 4 : My Second-First Heartbreak

Jeon Jong Seo, my most hated roommate ever.

She is so strict and have a nasty attitude. Swear to God if killing is legal, I already killed this girl. She is a new girl in our dorm. Yes, I have a dorm when I was in high school and college. Actually, it is my request from my aunty even if we have money from our hotel which is the Kim Hotel but at that time, we still have one main company, and it is not known well so a prefer to save money. Actually, our house that time was sold because I cannot sustain it, I'm still young, Aunty said that it's for the better and the money will be used for my education and for the hotel expenses. I have no choice but to face the really ahead me.

"Whose food is this?!" Jeon said.
"Hey look, I'm still washing my dishes here and I'm not yet done" I replied
"I don't care! You should clean this up first before washing your dishes, think about someone will be using the table after you used it" She replied.
"Well, I'm sorry Ms. perfectionist AKA Jeon for not doing it first!" I shouted back. Then go to the table and clean it 
"Happy now?" I said while I rolled my eyes. She just looked at me with killing eyes.

Whenever we fight over little things she will just be quite when I counter her back. She always starts it but never finish it, I don't know why she is always mad. I never had a choice for a choosing a roommate, because it was the school who arranged it. Then one day something happened.

There was a loud knock on the door.
"Hold on!, can't you wait bitch! It's almost midnight what the fu--" I said while I open up the door.
"Yaaah! Jeon what's wrong with you!" I added.
"I'm just a little dizzy from a little drinking session but you know don't worry too much i just forget my keys also" She said while I'm trying to hold her to prevent from falling.
"Gosh you stink, you got it really bad" I sit with her on our little sofa.
"You know you should just join me...having this" She grabs something in her pocket, and it was a a pack of cigarettes. She lights up on stick and feels the cigarette smoke flowing in her throat as she does it while closing her eyes. She looks hot while doing it honestly. I never show her this bad side, I mean she is already a mean girl but this is the first time I see her doing this. She handed me one stick and a lighter.
"I know you know it, I saw cigarette on your bed table one time" She said. I don't really know what to say to her, so I just grab one stick. I'm not actually a chain smoker or who loves to smoke, I just do it cause I feel like doing it.
"Do you know some tricks?" She said
"No, I don't I just smoke whenever I liked. I usually smokes you know" I said
"We'll let me teach you, first is the circle smoke.. You just open your mouth and shape it like 'O' then exhaled a little air by pushing you tongue to it.. like this" she executes it and I'm amaze cause it really forms a circle.
"Wow, okay let me try" I tried to execute it but my circle is not that good but there is a form. On my third try I did it.
"Yey! you did it wow your fast" Jeon said while we're laughing because of excitement.
"Alright so second one is creating a small circle where you gonna half it into two by putting your point finger like 'sshh' thing.. then blow" she execute it but this time even after many attempts I still don't get it.
"I gave up, its not forming for me" I said.
"It's fine, I still have last one for you though" She said.
"Oh okay, seems like your talented" She smirks to me
"Okay, so third one includes a partner in which I pass the smoke to you by touching our lips" she said while looking me in the eyes.
"Wha-what do you me-a-an?" I said with shocking eyes.
"I sip the smoke from the cigarette then you sip it in my mouth, easy" she explains
"Isn't it kissing?" I asked 
"No it's not, we just connect our lips" she said and smile. I just look at her and she started to sip the smoke on the cigarette, after she gets the right amount of smoke, she settles herself in, positioning herself to pass the smoke to me. I just open my mouth and sip the smoke from her. Her soft plump lips touch against mine but without any movement I sip the smoke and after I blow it. I distance myself to blow the smoke.
"I I-I just did it" then I turn my head to her, and she is still looking at me sternly. Then she looks my lips then back to my eyes, she is like asking permission for a kiss. I just look at her back without blinking, my heart is beating so fast and all I could see is her. There is a sadness in her eyes and also a pleading look, she then slowly approaches me and started kissing me. I can smell the mix of alcohol and smoke but all of it was unnoticed cause she was so expert in kissing. I never enjoy kissing until it was her. I kissed her back and the way she pulls and push to balance the air so that we can breathe. The way she sucks my tongue a little and bit my lips was so right. I didn't actually notice that it's been more than a minute. We both distance ourselves and sit back in the sofa without looking into each other. There was a silence but then she broke I out.
"I I think I go ahead to my bed now, I'm kinda sleepy" I tried my best not to crack my voice but still you can notice that I'm nervous. I stand up since I didn't get a response and I was about to walk out but her hand holds mine stopping me to walk out. Her hands send shiver to my spine. 

"Jennie Kim, let's do it again" she said

That's how I met Jeon. Mostly I can say she is all my first except that she is not my first love but she gave me all of the experience that a couple or a lover could have. She cares for me, she cooks, she gave me gifts, we travel all over in town, we had a pet, we fight but still managed to survive, we had sex and she is my first actually, we celebrate each other's b-day, monthsary and anniversary. You can name it all actually, she even gave me a ring that symbolizes that I am taken, that I am hers. 

But all of the positivity on what we have, also there is a twin of the negativity. She was a very jealous type of person that she even jealous to my cousin Jisoo, she was so bossy most of the time. Also, she wanted all of my attention to the point that she didn't want me to join school clubs, foundation days, event school days and even my friend's party. She allows it when she's with me. Most of all, sometimes she hit me but not do the point I get some big bruises, I have sometimes a scratch or a small bruise which is bearable. I endure it all because it is not always like that. Also, I'm blinded by the love and how rockstar she is in bed. JUST KIDDING.

We lasted for almost 3 years actually, same with my previous. I got cheated. Yes, despite of how freak she is, she still had a guts to do it. I experience to call a friend and cry on their shoulder, I experience not to have appetite to eat, I remember getting addicted to alcohol just to ease the pain. Along with my healing journey is that I make some friends, actually a lot of friends. The feeling of like I was out of prison, for a longest time I never had fun without her. Realizing how toxic to tie a knot on someone's neck just because you're afraid that someone might still them but in the end, you're the one who choose to cheat. Cheating is actually a choice. Why not choose to let go than to hurt someone twice because you choose to cheat? 

De-attaching myself to her was a very hard process because in almost 3 years I'm actually depending on her, she was like my partner in everything. Adjusting was really hard because of the routine I'm used to will be change. I still even see her and have sex with her thinking I could win her back. Thinking I still could convince her that we're one, but it's not. First step was a really hard decision. All I know is that I can't win her back. One day I had a courage to stop everything, the pain is not hurting me. I pity myself thinking I'm so dumb pushing something that is impossible. So, one day, I had a courage to stop. I stop myself to text her, I change my number, I block her in my social media, I erased her in my life with the help of my friends, I did it.  I managed to stand on my feet and move forward to life. If you're broken, you should bever stay broken.