If Only I Were A Marauder

Part 19

Warmings - loneliness, pining, friend being mean, sadness, mentions of drinking

"Kiss!" Hagrid said. I wanted to get it over with. I went to kiss his cheek, but somehow our lips met for the briefest of moments.

"Sorry!" He said immediately. "I meant to get your cheek!"

I was staring at him with wide eyes and a mouth that was slack. My whole body was buzzing and my lips had taken on a life of its own. I wanted to launch myself at him. I wanted him to feel every part of my body. I was so desperate. I wanted to touch him.

"It's okay," I finally got out. We clambered out of the carriage. We didn't talk as he led me to the party.

"You're here!" Andromeda was clearly already a bit drunk. She dragged us in front of a camera. Our picture was taken before we even knew what was happening. Andromeda handed us the moving pictures of us being taken aback.

"Well, I'm glad to have a picture of us," he smiled.

"Yeah me too," I grinned.

"Hey, I'm really sorry about the kiss. You know I would've never done that on purpose. I never want to make people uncomfortable. I think we just turned our head at the same time. Anyway, haha, you know I didn't mean it, that would be silly, we're best friend."

My heart sunk. I knew it all of course. I was well aware he didn't have feelings, but it still hurt. That kiss had been so incredibly meaningful to me, I replayed it every second, and to think he thought of it as a fuck up, or an embarrassing moment, hurt.

"Of course," I smiled, lying was my specialty. I felt like crying.

The rest of the night was so hard. I wanted desperately to make the best of the time I had with Regulus, but every time I was near him I felt nausea at knowing he'd never love me.

Then, suddenly, the party was over. I woke up the next day with a hole in my chest. I missed him like crazy.

I couldn't sleep the first night. He was all I thought about. There was hardly anyone in the castle. I felt so isolated. At night I'd hug myself to make myself feel better. I knew that I was being awful, relying on him for happiness, but I had no one.

The week was dark and unhappy. I did nothing but study, practice spells, and practice flying. I was like a robot. I just had to be mechanical, or I'd go insane.

Finally, finally, he came back. I even hugged Remus and James, but not Sirius when they came back. I was so desperate for human contact. I talked to Arita and Andromeda. I just wanted to talk to him. I waited as long as I could so I didn't seem needy. I waited a day, and it was torture.

"Regulus, hi, I missed you so much," I said, eagerly talking to him in the hallway.

"Get away from me," he snapped. I was taken aback.

"Reg?"

"No don't call me that, you... you talk to mudbloods, I can't be affiliated with you."

He was struggling I could tell. I didn't know what it was. I wanted to help. I wanted to love him!

"Regulus, this isn't like you, what's happening," I asked desperately.

"Go away, I don't want to see you," he said.

"Regulus please," I begged. "I missed you so much."

"Stay away," he said. The Black Mask was in place. I was heartbroken. I, for the first time, missed all my classes. I broke down in my bed and cried for hours. What had I done? I just wanted him back. I couldn't do this without him.