ACTIONS OVER WORDS | KAGEHINA

11.

You're The Peace I Crave In This Chaotic World

Later that day, in the library, Hinata was copying homework from Kenji who was gone for the vending machine - you know, Hinata always craved snacks while studying.

He was focused on completing the notes. So fucking focused that he did not realize the figure taking a seat next to him who then waited for the redhead to notice him. When Hinata, after a few seconds, finally felt movement next to him, he spoke up, "Excuse me, I'm sorry but this seat is..." he paused when his eyes landed on the person.

For a brief moment, he stared at the person, making sure the sight that he was seeing was real. "Taken," he continued his sentence under his breath. "I know," responded Kageyama. "Why're you here?" Hinata asked, diverting his eyes back to his notes. "That's kinda rude to say," replied Kageyama. "What do you want?" Hinata changed the question. "That's ill-mannered as well," remarked Kageyama.

"Tsk. Just get to the point!" Hinata commanded, looking back at Kageyama irritably. "Whoa, calm down, will you? Why're you so pressed anyway?" Kageyama questioned, "What did I do?" To which Hinata didn't answer and got back to writing yet again. "Perhaps because," Kageyama spoke up cheekily, "I tried being there for you?"

Hinata's writing was brought to a halt by that. He had frozen in his place. He nipped his lower lip - an old habit of his whenever he was in a tough situation. "Say, Hinata," said Kageyama sternly, "Don't you think it would have been appreciated if you had explained the situation to me earlier?"

"It's none of your business," Hinata replied as he resumed writing; avoiding eye contact at all costs. "Hell yes, it is," Kageyama stated, "I'm fucking involved in it."
"You don't know anything. Now, stop," Hinata rejoined. "I do," Kageyama affirmed, "Believe me I do know everything."

Hinata sighed. He knows. He thought. He now knows that I'm so selfish. He felt a sharp pang of remorse pierce through his heart. "If you do, then leave me alone already," Hinata uttered in a frail voice and let an irresistible painful expression appear on his face which Kageyama noticed for he's been gazing at the redhead all this time.

"Is that really what you want me to do?" Kageyama asked, averting his gaze and placing his chin on his palm. "Yes, I'm sure of it," Hinata stated agonizingly, "Please don't make it any harder for me, Tobio."
Kageyama, who sure was astounded by Hinata suddenly calling him by his first name, maintained his monotonous expression and didn't dare look at the latter.

"Fine, if that's how it is," he said before standing up and walking away. As he reached the door to exit, Kenji entered simultaneously. The two paused in their tracks but didn't utter a word until Kageyama said "You better not hurt him anymore," as he walked past him and exited the library. Kenji was puzzled but remained unbothered.

He then approached Hinata who was now busy packing his stuff. "Hey, are you done?" Kenji questioned, placing the snacks on the table. "Uh. Yeah, thanks for lending me your book," Hinata responded. "Sorry, I took too long," Kenji apologized with an awkward smile. "It's fine. Let's go have these in the garden," suggested Hinata, referring to the snacks. "Sure," Kenji agreed.

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"Want some?" Kenji asked while offering Hinata a packet of chips as they sat on the grass of the garden. When Hinata didn't respond to his question, Kenji then noticed him spacing out. "Earth to, Shoyo?" He snapped his fingers in front of his zoned-out eyes, pulling him back from his thoughts.

"Oh, uhm, yeah. What were you saying?" Hinata spoke up. "Where were you lost? Jeez," Kenji questioned with a chuckle. "It's... nothing," Hinata replied nonchalantly. "Here, have some," Kenji said as he offered him the snack yet once again. "Thanks," Hinata mumbled.

"Is everything alright, Shoyo?"
"Yeah, it's all good."
"What did Kageyama say?"

Hinata was not taken aback by the question. "Nothing really," he replied, "I just told him to leave me alone."
"I see," Kenji murmured.

The two munched on their snacks in awkward silence after that but then, Kenji laid his head on Hinata's lap, startling Hinata. "I missed doing this," Kenji spoke with a soft smile as Hinata looked down at his face. Hinata tenderly smiled back while gently caressing the latter's supple blonde hair. "Me too," Hinata spoke in a low voice, "I missed you too."

I'm so happy we're back. Thought Hinata, wanting to say it out loud but having no reason to do so for Kenji and he already knew that, as clear as a crystal.

But it hurt. It hurt Hinata so much the more he tried to suppress his guilt for pushing away Kageyama. He wanted them both with equal desire. But now, not only did he feel selfish but also greedy for wanting so much. He should know he's not allowed to have everything so easily just to satisfy his desires.

Sometimes, you gotta make a choice. And making one choice means abandoning the other options.
He couldn't bring in second thoughts now that he had already made his choice for that wouldn't change anything.

There was no turning back, right?

"Hey, Shoyo," Kenji spoke up, "Mind hanging out at my house tonight?"
Hinata drifted apart from his musings and replied, "Sure, I'd love to."

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"Leaving already?" Kenji asked as he stood at the entrance where Hinata tied his shoelaces. "Yeah, thanks for having me over," Hinata replied with a smile. "I was wondering if you could stay the night, you know?" Kenji chuckled. "Jeez. You're demanding," Hinata remarked with a giggle, "But I have to go now."
"No biggie. Be careful and see ya," said Kenji and they bid their goodbyes.

That evening was perfectly fitting Hinata's idea of a proper date. Watching a movie, baking cookies, playing video games and whatnot. Yet still, Hinata couldn't bring his preoccupied mind to enjoy every ounce of the day. The more fun he had, the more guilty he felt.

To him, it was almost as though having fun meant mocking Kageyama. He hurt that guy with his actions and words to the very core, how could he be having fun after that? According to him, he was definitely not allowed to do so.

Kageyama probably hates me now. He thought as he walked home which, though not as near as it is to Kageyama's, was around the corner. With every step and each inhale, his thoughts continued getting worse.

Apologizing to him won't be enough to make up for what I did.

He'll never forgive me anyway.

I've lost him forever.

And just as he unlocked the door, he broke down in tears. He shut the door behind him, leaned against it and then slid his back down on it until he hit the floor. He hugged his knees and continued shedding endless tears.

Is this the right thing to do? These words from Kageyama continuously replayed in his mind.

"No," he weeped, "I don't know if it's the right thing to do." He then sobbed more. And more. "Please...Help me make up my mind... Tobio," he cried, "I know... I know It's all my fault."

His sobs got worse when his shattered heart, aching for his wrongdoings, broke down further as he realized his only savior was no longer around to lend him an ear to hear out his problems - or a shoulder to cry his eyes out on - or his supportive, also harsh, words to comfort him.

I'm so sorry, Tobio.