Not Evil,Just Hurt

10- Problem

- "What happened that made you lose control? »

Those words are ringing in my head. I didn't want to hear those words. That's the question I was afraid of. I'm trapped, and there's no way out of it. I don't have a choice. As much as I hate it, I'll have to talk about my emotions.

I never thought it was a bad thing to talk about our emotions. But growing up with the obligation to keep them to myself, it's now impossible for me to talk about them normally.

I looked at Mattheo, he looked at me with a look that only I had the right to see. A compassionate look, that was the look I was staring at. I knew he understood that all of this had something to do with a forbidden subject. Then I realized how much he had changed. If all this had happened, he was two years old, he would have lost his patience by seeing me unable to explain. And it would have ended in a fight. But now it's different. I'm different, he's different. We're. . . different.

Tears began to flow down my cheek without me being able to do anything. I usually manage my emotions very well, but since I came here, I can't handle them when it comes to my brother.

I turned my head so he wouldn't see my tears. But it was of no use, for I burst into tears.

It was all my fault.
EVERYTHING!

It was my fault he had a fire. If I had controlled my emotions, I would have controlled my powers, too. And if the last time I saw my brother I hadn't yelled at him, I wouldn't have had those feelings. If I didn't, yelling about our relationship would be the same. If our relationship had remained the same, I wouldn't have experienced all his shocks and strong emotions, seeing him again and hearing him. Which means I wouldn't have started a fire.
IT'S ALL MY FAULT!
I created a vicious circle, everything that's happened is my fault.

I cried more and more. I'm a horrible person. For two years, I put most of the blame on Mattheo. For me, it was Mattheo's turn to take the first steps. "It was up to Mattheo to apologize, he ruined our relationship, he should have heard from me if he cared so much about me," all that, all I thought was lies. All I could think for two years was lies and nothing else.

I was so ashamed of myself that controlling my emotions seemed pointless. My father says crying is for the weak, and that's what I am. A weak person. Crying then becomes an obligation for me. Crying is the only thing I know how to do now. I was no longer ashamed to reveal my emotions, for I was now ashamed in person. I was a disgrace to my family. Uneducated and incompetent Riddle. My brother and father could be ashamed of me. Shame, that I am weak, and incapable of controlling powers. The reasons why he could be ashamed of me were long, very long.


Mattheo stepped up to me and embraced me. Immediately, I felt better. I felt safe. I missed hugging my brother. In two years, no one had given me a hug. Before, whenever Mattheo realized I wasn't well, he would hug me. It was so comforting and I had really missed it. I slowly stopped crying. Mattheo loosened his embrace and looked me right in the eye.

- I know we've lost sight of each other, but I'm here with you just like before. Tell me what's wrong.  He said calmly.

- I'm the problem. I say.

- What are you talking about? — says Mattheo

- I know we said we'd just forget everything that happened two years ago, but I can't just pretend it didn't happen. I said, bursting into tears again.

- "Is that what puts you in this state?" he asked, surprised.

It's just that I've just realized that if we lost sight of each other, it's my fault. For two years, I convinced myself that this was all your fault. But I was wrong. It was never your fault that I stayed at the mansion. And I never should have messed with you for that stupid reason. I was thinking that if you left, we'd have been on better terms, maybe we'd have kept talking. We could have written letters. Something like that. And seeing you and realizing how much you've changed hurts me. I feel like I don't know you, and it kills me from the inside, because I know now that our relationship will never be the same again. I don't know anything about you. I say.

- Listen to me, you're right, our relationship will never be the same again. But we've grown old and she'll be even better than she was before. He answered me.

- "Don't you blame me?" I asked.

He has no reason why I should be angry with you. He said, smiling in the corner.

Suddenly, her face changed.

- Are you all right? I asked him

— You know when you said you wanted to keep in touch, did you mean you wanted to? Did he ask me?

— Of course I did, you thought I didn't want to talk to you anymore? — said I with a smile half —amused

Her face remained still frozen and emotionless. I don't really understand what's happening to him. I see there's a problem, but I don't see which one.

- What's the matter? I asked him

- Nothing. He doesn't have a problem. Does he answer me?

It's eyes, tells me otherwise. He's bubbling with anger I see, but the why eludes me.