Not Evil,Just Hurt

55- Questioning

My gaze is fixed on Draco. My eyes are immersed in his as I diger in my thoughts. My blue eyes slowly take an orange reflex. Always lost in my thoughts, I don't notice that I display a slight smile in the corner. My expression is a bit disturbing, but I don't realize it.

- Princess, what are you thinking about?

Draco told me, laughing softly.

It quietly takes me out of my thoughts. Thus bringing me back to reality. I keep my eyes fixed on his despite everything. I need to look at him to have the courage to tell him what I was thinking.

Draco was not aware that I wanted to arrest my father. Mattheo and I had decided to keep this secret for the time being. I don't know how he will react and it worries me a bit. I know he never really wanted to be a Death Eater, but that doesn't mean he'll be comfortable with what I'm going to say.

I know very well that his father puts a lot of pressure on him to give a good impression to the Lord of Darkness, that is, my father. In addition, it is very likely that my father informed Lucius Malfoy that his son and I were close, which displeased my father. Draco must have taken a blow on his father's esteem for him. He will probably not tell me or never admit it to me, but I know it anyway.

After spending my life at the mansion, I met many of my father's faithful. I didn't have the right to be at meetings, because he wanted to hide my existence. So I was locked up, but I still hear the discussions that the Death Eaters had with my deplorable father.

I have often heard Lucius talk about his son to Voldemort. At first, they were talking about integrating the young Malfoy as Mangemort. My father often said that this would allow Lucius to redeem himself from his horrible mistakes.

My father is a manipulator. He manipulated Lucius Malfoy to integrate his son into his vision of the world. Voldemort knew very well that Draco attached great importance to his father and the image he had of his son. My parent knew well that Draco would be unable not to accomplish what his father asked of him.

My father's goal was to spread his vision of the world over all generations. Draco was one of the first of his generation to be integrated. Theodore Nott and Lorenzo Bershirke were also part of it.

It made me hesitate to tell him. He had clearly disappointed his father by standing with me. His esteem had taken a blow. I knew it. I could feel it, my powers allowed me to know it. It made me a bit of pain. My father was deplorable. Why did it have to be like this?

Knowing that Draco's esteem had taken a blow, I couldn't see him making him aware of my plan. If I tell him that I and my brother intend to arrest our father, eliminate him, arrest him, put an end to his reign and the terror he spreads. He would be a kind of accomplice. He would be obliged not to reveal this. I'm afraid that it will make him feel guilty, horrible or diminish his esteem. He is a fabulous person, but he can't realize it.

Having to keep this secret could really hurt him, psychologically. He should lie to his father, but also lose the esteem his father gives him. By being complicit in the fact that we want to arrest Voldemort, it requires him to demolish everything in which his father attaches importance. This will certainly destroy any trace of esteem that Lucius gives to his son.

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to hide this from Draco. I'm not able to, but at the same time, I don't want to hurt him. I know that what his father thinks is important to him. And I can't afford to ask him to destroy all this. I don't want he to feel bad about his father. I know that this relationship they have between them is not quite healthy, but despite everything, it is important to him. I'm not the one who has to stop him in this funny relationship. I don't have the right to do so. A part of me understands it.

When I was young, my father was my example. I placed it on a pedestal, it was really impressive and incredible for me when I was a child. I didn't see everything else, that is, the harm he was doing. It was only as I grew up that I realized it. Despite everything, I always forced myself to be as he wanted me to be. I practiced myself for years to be able to control my powers so that he is proud of me. I am and I was against his vision of life and how order should reign, but this has never prevented me from wanting to have his affection and pride.

I can't blame Draco for having this relationship with Lucius. I grew up with the same feeling that is a bit unhealthy. I understand that he needs it. Sometimes, we prefer to avoid facing reality and just acting in the simplest way to have love and pride. Most of the time, we abandon our values and visions of things just to get this sense of success and pride. That's what Draco did, but I can't blame him.

It is by living the greatest suffering that we realize that all this is unhealthy. That's what happened to me. When I understood that I would never have the right to love the one I love as long as my father is there. I understood that I didn't need anyone to feel loved and up to the task. I was able to do it myself. I understood that if I wanted to free myself from this unhealthy relationship, I had to end it permanently.

I look Draco straight in the eyes. I can't help but let a few tears run down my cheeks. I don't know what is the best thing to do anymore.

Do I have to keep him out of all this? Do I have to get involved in this relationship he has with his father? What if talking to him about it was the best thing to do?

He would suffer if I told him about it, but after all, the only way to free him from this ambiguous relationship with his progenitor is suffering.

But do I want to be the cause of his suffering? Do I want to see him suffer?

No. I don't want to, but is this the best option?

Probably....