Notice me

23 | Letter

TW: mentions of suicide.
___________________________________________
Sienna's POV:

I shove the bag to the farthest back inside my closet on the top shelf. When I'm satisfied I promptly close the closet door.

I look around my room which is an utter mess. The police really did make sure to search every inch of my room.

I don't waste any more time and dive straight into cleaning but not before I put my earphones inside my ears and start my usual playlist. It doesn't take long and I already have in my hands something I thought I lost months ago.

I put the items that need to be thrown away on the side.

After an hour I finally squat over the piles of papers that lay on the floor. Why do I keep this much shit?
Ah yes, I think I might be needing it later on or in the future but I never do.

I sigh. Let's get over this quickly. I put the random sunglasses (that I found earlier on the floor while cleaning and put them on) on the top of my head. I start going through all the papers. Some are blank, some have random notes from classes, and some have drawings or random names of songs, films, or shows I needed to write down so I wouldn't forget. I automatically move my hands so all the papers I find useless go to the 'throw away' pile. My hand stops on one particular piece of paper which is filled with text.

I scowl.

I sit down on the floor since I was squatting and lean my back against the bed behind me. My eyes follow the words on the paper.

Whoever finds this, I am sorry. I was worthless in life and now am even more so in my death...
I have to write this down. I want so badly to say it myself, but I know if it comes to that I'll back out like I did last night. All this behavior from me is because I'm terribly sorry, all of it. I'm a shitty person. I'm completely out of my mind. I feel useless. I mess everything up. With 1 word, sentence, or gesture, I mess everything up, I only bring people anger and disappointment. When I talk to someone at school and say something I ruin the whole atmosphere. I ruin people's moods. I know it and I realize it. I feel like a huge disappointment. I'm sorry. Even yesterday is a hint of that. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry you have me as your daughter. You deserve better. Maybe I'm the problem that causes you to fight endlessly.
I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted.
Goodbye.

I take in a shaky breath.

A letter to my parents. Goodbye letter. From 3 years ago. No one ever saw it. Because I couldn't do it. I was scared. Too scared of the pain but mainly from not succeeding.

It hurts reading this knowing I wasn't the problem as I thought the majority of my life.

I crumple the paper in my hands and stand up.

Now I won't let suicide be the death of me.

I destroy the paper. I rip it to the tiniest bits and with a lighter, I set them on fire. I watch the small fire slowly devouring every word. With the letter, I let my old self and thoughts burn with it.

I watch the fire slowly die since there's no more paper that it could swallow greedily.

After all, it was a goodbye letter. But not goodbye to my parents. More like a goodbye to my old self.

☆ ☆ ☆

I stretch my limbs. I groan in satisfaction when I hear a 'pop' and then immediate relief in that area. At least I'm finally done with my room.

I'm taken away from my moment of bliss when I hear a loud bang downstairs followed by thundering footsteps rushing up the stairs.

They come closer to my room.
I narrow my eyes at my door.

The person behind my door grabs the door handle. They throw the door open a second after. I blink when I see the person's face. They rush towards me and lock me into a bear hug. I release a breath.

"I'm so happy to see you!" Cheryl shouts with excitement.

I hug her too when I'm finally out of my shocked state. "Yeah, me too," I whisper.

She grabs my shoulders and leans away from the hug. Her face is full of guilt. "I'm so sorry." Her voice breaks.

I frown slightly. "For?"

"Sorry for how we parted and said goodbye! I should have done better. And for not being here when you came."

I shake my head, dismissing her worries. "It's okay, really."

She drops the hold she had on my shoulders. Her arms fall on each side of her. "No. It's not. We tried to contact you there but it didn't work."

I nod. "There was no signal."

She searches my face and a smile grows on her lips.

"Dom and Kane want really badly to see you."

I move my head to my window that faces the street. I see Cheryl's car but no one is around it or inside it. "Where are they?" I turn to look at her.

"This week we are on a field trip. Right after I got the message from you I made a fuss I had to go home because of a family emergency. Kane and Dom didn't have that luck."

I give her disapproving look. "You shouldn't leave for me when you were having fun."

She mirrors my face. "You shouldn't leave your front door unlocked." She mocks me.

"I forgot," I say. "But that's different! Still, I think you shouldn't have left."

She rolls her eyes. "Oh please. Don't be like that. Honestly, no one likes the trip. Every morning there is this exercise that is supposed to "give you energy" for the rest of the day. Haha yeah sure." She snorts. "Then we have like a 2-hour long hike around the forest and mountains."

I grin. "Must be energizing."

"Very." She replies sarcastically.

"Dominic and Kane told me a full 10-page essay about what they want to tell you through me but I may or may not have forgotten all of it. So a simple 'welcome back' from them will need to be enough."

I chuckled. "Oh, how I missed you."

"We missed you too." She smiles.

"Okay, enough of this." She grabs my arms and pulls me onto the bed. "Tell me everything! But only if you are comfortable and want to share it."

I cross my legs. "Want me to start from the time when I was found with Alex or when I left."

She furrows her eyebrows. "Oh try to not mention Alex that much. He already got a piece of everyone's mind including my own."

"Alright. So..."

☆ ☆ ☆

"I like Veronika just from the fact she beat Alex."

I laugh. "I'm going to miss them..."

"They will get out of there eventually and you will meet! Hell, I want to meet them myself. They sound so fucking cool and fun to be around."

I look at her with uncertainty. "You are not mad I made friends?"

Her head snaps in my direction. "That's so dumb why would I be mad? I'm fucking happy and proud of you!"

She gives me a reassuring smile. "After all, I will be finally given peace when you will hang out with them."

I give had a flat look.

She throws her head back and laughs.
___________________________________________
A.N.:

Procrastination is such a bitch and I'm fighting her right now. 😤

Vote and Comment! <3