Ordinary Human Beings

38: Safe With Me

Running after Yasmina wasn’t easy at all. For someone that finds it hard to walk up a flight of stairs to get her book, she sure does have stamina when it comes to getting away from me. Maybe I'm the problem here, and not her.

Yeah, I'm definitely the problem.

Kait was right: I spent so much time trying to beat the popular girls that it ended up destroying what Yasmina and I had. Had she not heard that conversation, she would've never misconstrued that information, nor would she have decided that it was time to end things ultimately between us. We have a few days till speech night, till we hear who the prefects are from our grade, but that's not as important anymore. What's important is how Yasmina feels about me, and how I feel about her. But most importantly,  making sure she truly knows.

Closing the door to our room, I blocked the entrance as Yasmina tried to escape, leaving her to face me. "You can't run away from me forever, Yasmina," I said, breathing hard.
She glanced at me, then walked back to her bed, picking up her diary. I followed her and tried to get her attention by flicking the pages of her book. She sighed, aggressively throwing the book down. Looking up at me, she waited.

"Can we please talk about how you managed to ignore me for a good week? We share a room for Christ's sake," I said, removing my blazer. "Come on now, I'm sure we can talk now."

Refusing to utter a word, she just stared at me. I nodded, sitting beside her. I tried to hold her hand, but she quickly snatched it away.

"Alright then," I murmured. "I don't know if I should say what I want to say then. You're not responding and all I'd want is a response, even if it's something I don't like."

Still silent, I walked back to my bed.

"I'm scared to express how I feel. You know how I've had trouble trying to figure out my feelings, so please, just talk to me," I pleaded with her.

"Don't we all?" She asked quietly, rubbing circles around her palm with her index finger.

"It's just that—" realizing it's all or nothing, I let my guard down. "I didn't know what I wanted the first time I met you. I think at first when we agreed to fake the relationship, I was doing it for the sheer fact that Audrey and her minions would have something to talk about in a good light; something to judge positively and not negatively, as I have been my entire life. At first I saw you as a one night stand—someone I could hook up with and not give a care in the world because I still wanted Liliana. I wanted Liliana because she made me feel comfortable,  even when our relationship wasn't always comfy…but then, you came along and I stepped out the comfort zone, started to explore a bit more, and figure out who I am without having someone to cling onto like a leech."

"Then why'd you say that to Sofia? Why'd you tell her that everything was a lie? That you…we… weren't anything?" She finally looked up at me.

"That's when I fucked up. Subconsciously, I just couldn't let go of the fact that Sofia had to beat me at everything; Volleyball, debate, hell, even getting the person I wanted. Some part of me just wanted to win at something, and in the pursuit of winning something meaningless…I lost the thing I've always wanted."

Yasmina didn’t look convinced. "And what did you want, Kendall?"

"I wanted love, Yasmina," I admitted. "And that's something I felt with you."
I walked over to her and gently held her hand, urging her to stand up. When she did, she looked me in the eyes, almost wordlessly.

"You were right," I said quietly. "I let my ego get in the way of everything. I let it fuck up what we were building, what we were going to be, and what we could possibly be. For what it's worth, what I said to Sofia wasn't completely true; you and I did have something, I just thought that if I admitted to that first and then told them what we have now, they would’ve left us alone for good."