You found nostalgia to be a slippery slope. It would be as simply as the family picture on the wall and the memories that came with it. You felt okay. Everyday was a different battle, but you managed. Going to work or spending time with the kids to keep your mind off the unthinkable.
Crying was left for night time, when Madison and Grayson were tucked in bed. You reached a new low. This time? Your instagram memories being the culprit. You had a date with Matt five years ago today. It was a reminder that your life had come down from that, to being a single mother of two. Tonight, you decided to open a bottle of wine and watch your wedding video.
The deed had been done hours before he stood in front of you and made promises he knew he couldn't keep. You wanted him to mean it. You wanted to wake up to him asleep beside you, as if this was a nightmare.
You paused the video on your first dance. The frame captured you and Matt staring at each other, while Alice sat in the background staring at you both. The last time before you turned it off and go to bed, hoping to wake up and magically have gotten over Matt.
"Mommy" Madison called from the doorway. One pyjama leg rolled up and the other tucked under her foot and her stuffed teddy dragging behind her on the ground. She stared at you, you hadn't been prepared to be caught puffy eyed. She walked into the room, looking at the TV, before going to sit on your lap. "You smell like daddy"
You were wearing his sweater. You closed your eyes, holding your little girl tight and kissing her head. Matt was such a good father to the kids. You wanted that feeling back. The one where he'd make you laugh and not make your chest ache. Madison was so lucky to have him.
But what did that make you?
"I'm sorry" Madison shrugged, not understanding what was going on. She had watched your wedding video plenty of times before. She knew her parents missed each other and she knew they still loved each other.
"It's okay, mommy" she rested her head on your shoulder. "Daddy does the same thing"
~
Giving gifts wasn't normally what people did when they split up, but you gave Matt a key that he could use any time he wanted to see the kids. He was always welcome.
You and Madison were curled up on the sofa. The TV was paused on the wedding video and there was no mistake your cheeks were red from crying. Matt's heart sank. It hurt him. How could it not? If he listened to himself, he would've been able to spend his life proving to you that he meant what he said at the altar.
"Y/N?" He whispered, gently shaking your arm. He knew you were going to wake up embarrassed. There was nothing to hide from him. He knew you were hurting and he wanted to fix it.
You opened your eyes to the same ones you'd been thinking about for hours. You looked up to your daughter in your arms, trying not to wake her up. "Matt?"
"Hey, sweetie" The pet names were a habit you were trying to get him to break. But he refused. You couldn't be bothered, not when you spent most nights missing him and thinking of possible scenarios on how you could get over this.
You wished it was as simple as calling him and telling him to come home. You tried that and it didn't work. You pushed yourself everyday,delaying the inevitable of moving on. This wasn't for you to fix, you wanted Matt to fight for you because you felt like he'd just rolled over.
"Are you okay? You look like you had a rough night?" You realised the wedding video was still paused from last night. You were still wearing his sweater, that you swore to him you couldn't find.
"Uh-"
"Did she give you a hard time last night?" He stroked Madison's cheek. You then realised, he was ignoring it. The Tv, the sweater. He knew he needed to give you time to grieve, he just wished there was more he could do.
