I think you accidentally saved my life.

16 ▪︎ bad

A/N: i kinda wrote this chapter as a vent chapter so yeah sorry but it was therapeutic lol
there's a lot of sarcasm in this chapter too

tw for this chapter: suicidal ideation & attempt, self-harm
i will put ⚠️ for when the si/attempt comes up.

~gabriella~

i fucking suck at controling my emotions. and feeling emotions at the right time. like, how can i be angry and punch a wall over nothing? or feel one emotion then within seconds another?

if you haven't guessed, i've fell into yet another bad episode. i hate my brain. i haven't had the energy to go to school the last 2 weeks, let alone get out of bed. i've been ignoring everyone too. not on purpose, i just don't really have the mental capacity to hold a conversation. billie's been texing me non stop.

oh the joys of being mentally ill.

i'm not really sure when the project was supposed to be in. i feel really bad for making billie do it on her own lately.

my parents have randomly appeared from the blue yet again which is ironically just after i fell into this episode. my mom is finding any which way to yell at me. she even went as far to threaten me to a mental hospital again if i didn't go to school this week. that place will make me worse. and no way in hell am i being sectioned there again, that was traumatic.
although i see it coming.

i've fallen back into old coping mechanisms too. my arms look like a barcode which is fun. need 50% off? no problem hit me up. ok sorry but humor is the only good coping mechanism i have.

i'm going to school today. not by choice, by force. just gotta put on the idgaf attitude and fool them all.

i grab my phone, backpack and earphones and head on over to the shithole.

luckily i don't have pe today so i won't faint in gym. that wouldn't be fun. only problem is, its pretty warm today. but i'll just overheat its fine. not like i have any other choice.

______

it's now third period and i'm barely paying attention. i've been distracted by the blue butterfly that keeps flying around the window. i've also seen billie once today but i'm trying to avoid her. problem is she's in this class but she's on the other side of the room. i'm absolutely drenched in sweat, so i roll my sleeves up.

and, let me tell you, that was a wrong move.

"were you going for the zebra look?" the girl next to me asks.

were you going for the bitch look? cause i can see it.

that pushed me past the limits. i roll my sleeves down and glare at her, then stand up and walk out. i hear my teacher shouting my name, but i couldn't care less right now, i just needed to get out of here.

i signed myself out and started walking home until i realized i couldn't go home. i couldn't go home until the usual time i finish school, my parents can't know i walked out. i mean they're bound to eventually, but i can stall some hours to prepare myself. grippy sock land here i come, ffs.

i search around in my bag for my phone. i find it, but i also find something else that could maybe come in useful right now.

paracetamol.

i mean if i end it i won't have to go to hospital will i? hmm.

no one would care if i go. my parents don't care about me, billie is only caring about me because of what she saw, and i have no one else. i'm surprised i haven't pushed billie away by now.

⚠️
i take out the pills and close my bag. i walk around for a bit before finding a tree and sitting under it. this place looks a little familiar but i don't question it.
i find a piece of paper from my bag and write a note on it.

if you find this i'm sorry, but please don't blame yourself. goodbye.

the note goes in my pocket.

i tip the pills into my hand, then into my mouth. one packet, two packets. i take a few more and before i know it i feel faint.

and then suddenly it all goes black.
⚠️

A/n: take care of yourself :)