I think you accidentally saved my life.

23 ▪︎ out

~gabriella~

as i walk into the kitchen, i'm met with both my mother and father standing in front of me. my fear hightens, but i don't show it otherwise it will make matters worse. learnt from experience.

"we are very disappointed in you. we did not raise you like this. we feel you do not deserve to be in our family anymore, therefore i am kicking you out. you are to be gone from this house in 2 days. i don't care where you go, don't come back here." my father says angrily.

i stand there, astonished of what i just heard.

"firstly, raise me? that's right you didn't raise me like this, as a matter of fact, you didn't raise me at all! i raised myself by myself. and i'll be out of here by tomorrow, you'll never see me ever again. happy?" i scream before walking out of the door.

i feel my breathing pick up. not right now. i start to feel faint. i frantically look around for billie's car before carefully rushing over to it and jumping in. i put my head in my hands to try and control my breathing but it doesn't work.

"oh my love, what happened?" billie asks, her voice consumed with worry.
i shake my head. if i try to speak, i won't be able to so there's no use trying. i look up at her and put my hand over my chest.

"i feel li-like i might f-faint" i manage to stutter out.

billie guides my hand onto her chest and tells me to follow her breathing and focus on her heartbeat. i do as she says, and luckily don't pass out.

after a few minutes i can breathe properly again.

"are you able to tell me what happened" billie asks again.
"they kicked me out. they did it. i'm scared bil what do i do, where am i supposed to go?" i rant quickly.
"you're coming with me, sorted. i've got you" she says.

i don't want to burden her with my messed up self though. i mean, who wants to live with me? i see why my parents kicked me out now. what a broken person i am. a broken person with a load of trauma from, well, you guessed it. i shouldn't even be here in the first place. i was an accident baby, and from then on i was treated like one. it would be better for everyone if i was gone. i wholeheartedly believe that and always have.

"gabriella?" billie questions.
i turn to look at her, her expression i can't quite read. "you blanked out on me, stop overthinking. are you alright?"
"yeah never been better. just got kicked out but other than that" i say sarcastically.

she sighs. "they don't deserve to be in your life anymore. they are not good parents at all and i'm sorry you had to live there. it's good you're out of that house" billie says.

"i don't want sympathy and i don't want to intrude your house though" i say. i'm not a fan of people giving me sympathy.

and for the living with billie part? it scares me to say the least. i used to be there all the time, it was like a second home to me, and now its a weird feeling full of memories. memories of back when things weren't as bad. i barely have any memories of my childhood anymore, come to think about it. but the thing that scared me most was that i won't have as much privacy.

i sometimes miss when i had no one because i could do my destructive habits without being stopped. no one worried about me, which was nice, but at the same time i wish someone would. and now that someone does, i wish that they wouldn't.
is that selfish of me? to crave loneliness when someone cares about me? trauma may play a point in that but i really don't know anymore. i'm fucked up to say the least.