I think you accidentally saved my life.

27 ▪︎ decor

~billie~

time to put my skills to work. i love designing things so this room will be a piece of cake. a great way to put the weeks of studying design and technology i did in my free time to work.

i think i've decided what it will look like, i have it planned on some paper i found that was lying around for some reason. the walls will be a light mint green, the bed will be a mini double and i'll buy some cute sheets aswell. i'll figure the rest out when the time comes to it. for now, i need to go get my supplies.

______

i now have everything i need. gabby is in my room taking a nap so i should be good as long as i'm quiet. i bought a few shelves to go beside the bed and a bedside cabinet for other necessities. i also picked up some vines and fairy lights, just so the room doesn't look as empty, but gabriella can put whatever stuff on the walls she likes.

i just need to find a paintbrush. i haven't painted in so long, i don't even know if i have any. why didn't i think to buy one at the store? damn it i'm stupid.

i scurry down to the garage and look through a bunch of random boxes with art type supplies in hope of finding a brush, and to my luck there is. its a bit used but i'll take what i can get.

checking to see if gabby is still asleep - she is, i head back to work on the room. i say work, i haven't even started yet. but its time to.

                          ______

i've finished 3 walls so far, it's been an hour and a half. pretty good going i say. they will definitely need a second coat, and i have yet to do the last wall. i decide to take a break to go get a snack and see if gabriella is awake.

i grab some takis and a water and go to my room. gabby is at the corner of the bed near the wall facing said wall. i know she's not asleep because she's wrapped up in a ball with a blanket over her face.

"gab?" i call.

no response.

"gabby i know you're not asleep. what's wrong?" i ask, sitting on the corner of the bed.

she still doesn't respond, so i pull the blanket down to her legs off of her head.
she groans at the action and smothers her face into the pillow.

i sigh. "i'll be here when you're ready to talk" i say, knowing she wont speak to me right now.

~gabriella~

what's wrong? well, what isn't at this point. me, what's what. my emotions are fucked up and i don't know who i am anymore. i dont want to be here but i feel guilty to try again, i can't hurt billie. it's funny because i would never have said that a year ago, let alone 6 months ago.

i've been awake for forty minutes just thinking. well, and listening to billie being clumsy every few minutes. its pretty entertaining honestly.

in all seriousness, i want to know what's wrong with me. i want to know why i am the way i am, the reason why i do all this destructive shit. i want an answer yet at the same time i don't. i dont want to put a label because then it will be real. i am actually alive and i am actually slowly killing myself subtly. i guess its back to bottling myself up and pretending my insanity doesnt exist.