I think you accidentally saved my life.

29 ▪︎ movie

TW: SH

~gabriella~

we're just about half way through the movie and i'm already a crying wreck. spirit really gets me in the feels.

but aside from the hurt i feel for the horse on screen, i feel another sensation bubbling. an urge, almost, in my body. more so on my wrist. i haven't felt this in a while.

i'm almost 5 months clean. my aim is to try and make 6 months, but its very strong right now.

"i'm just going to the bathroom, i'll be back" i say, hopping out the bed and towards the door. i see billie nod, not taking her eyes off the screen while stuffing chips in her mouth.

as soon as im in the bathroom i lower myself down to the floor. the bathroom floor has always been my comfort for some reason.

i think through ways my therapist taught me. i say therapist, i had her for a week before i lashed out and she discharged me. she was a bitch anyway.

rubber band, cold water, distractions, some others i didn't listen to. i settle for cold water.

turning on the tap, i splash a handful of cold water onto my face. i do this over and over yet i still feel the urge. my last resort was putting water into my wrists, but for some reason this made the sensation worse.

i turned the tap off and shriveled back onto the floor, my knees up against my chest, my head resting on my knees. i randomly start sobbing and then... darkness.

~billie~

i notice gabby's been gone for a while after i finish my chips and finally look up at the clock. i make my way over to the bathroom, where she said she was going.

"gabby are you alright?" i ask, placing a knock on the door.

i get no answer, and start to worry.

"gab? what's going on?" i repeat.

still no reply.

i carefully open the door to find gabriella in the corner leaning against a wall in a ball with her eyes closed. maybe she fell asleep? but why was she in here in the first place?

i jolt her a bit and she doesn't move. i know shes usually a deep sleeper but i jolted her hard and she didn't move an inch, so this was weird.

i lift her head up and lean her so she's more sat up. she looks like shes been crying. i put some water on my hands and splash it on her face, and to my relief her eyes open.

"are you okay gabs?" i ask frantically.
"it hurts bil" she replies.
huh?
"what do you mean angel? what hurts?" i question her, confused.
"my body, my arms, my head" she says while dropping her head to her knees again.

"well can i see your arms?"
she doesn't reply, just lifts her head up and looks at me. after a second of hesitation she extends her arms to me.

i roll up her sleeves. it looks like she's dug her nails into her skin so hard it bled. there's also a patch or redness near her wrist, which im assuming she was scratching at, which is also bleeding.

"let's get you cleared up. can you sit on the toilet lid for me?" i stand up.
she braces herself with the wall and slowly stands up. i help her over and she sits on the closed lid.

~gabriella~

"are you mad at me?" i ask billie, breaking the silence as she cleans my arms.
"no of course not love. but can you tell me what happened?"

i try to recall what happened.

"um i felt weird so i went to the bathroom and the urge wouldn't go away so i tried putting cold water on my face and it didn't work. so i tried some on my wrist and it- it made it worse for some reason. so i sat back on the floor and I don't know what happened after that, i think maybe i passed out but i dont remember" i rant.

billie looks up at me then back down at my arms. "what happened here then?" she asked, referring to my arms.

"i dont really know. but sometimes i dig my nails into my skin when im angry at myself." i say, wiping my eyes as billie puts the first aid kit away.

she looks at my with a sympathetic look, and i return my gaze to the floor.

a/n: hello lovies i currently have writers block and am struggling mentally so that's why im lacking with updates. im trying though, i dont wanna leave you for months on end <3

also i started writing this book in april when i was at my worst and kinda used it as a way to get my feelings out, so sorry for all the bad stuff happening lmao