I think you accidentally saved my life.

24 ▪︎ 1am

a/n: spot the male fantasy lyrics in this chapter ;)
also TW i think

~billie~

we get back to my house and gabriella has been silent the whole drive. i mean i don't blame her, but theres something going on inside her head that i can't work out. i know she just got kicked out and all but she's closing me off.

it makes me sad to know that after i was gone things got worse for her. i could have been there, i could have been there to see it but i wasn't. i left her. but, the past is past and i can't change that. i'm glad she's out, and im excited to welcome her into my house.

______

"you can sleep in my room with me until we make you a room. you can also have all the cuddles you want, don't think i haven't picked up on your secret love for hugs." i tell gabby.
she smiles at me. "i still need to go back and get my stuff" gabby replies,  her smile instantly dropping.

"we'll go tomorrow. for now let's get some rest" i say. it's 11pm, i'm getting pretty tired. i haven't been sleeping that much lately, but it's fine. insomnia sucks ass.

~gabriella~

it's 1:25am, my favourite time of the morning. is it weird to have a favourite time of the morning? i like 1am because then the night really starts. no one to socialize with, not having to hold up your guard anymore.
anyway i'm overthinking as usual. about going back to get my stuff tomorrow. well, today technically.

i fear what my parents will say to me for the last time. i can assure you i'm never going back there again. but what will they say?

as much as my parents have hurt me and given me so much trauma, i just can't bring myself to hate them. i know i should but i could never. theres just something inside me that tells me they might decide to one day be better and turn things around, but that's pretty unrealistic. it batters me up all the time and i find myself getting worked up over it, but i can't change it so just gotta live with it i guess. all the words they've said to me are carved raw in my mind. i question if it's true or not. i usually decide on it being correct, for i've never heard any different or the opposite.

im not really out of my depressive episode either. i haven't worn short sleeves for god knows how long, and its starting to get warmer. man i hate summer. i love winter because it's easier to hide your arms without people questioning, and the comfort of big baggy hoodies and sweatpants. i love drowning my body out so i basically forget i have one. i think it would solve 99% of my problems if i didn't have a body. 100% of them if i wasn't here right now.

my brain is weird.

sometimes i feel really depressed and have absolutely no interest in anything or doing anything, so then i resort to self destruction. but at other times i feel absolutely nothing. just numbness. the urge to just lie awake staring at the ceiling all night. even harming doesn't fulfill the void.
i worry that i'll feel like this forever. but nothing lasts, i know the deal.

the voices have also come back again. not just the ones about food, oh no. the ones that i have no control over and criticise my every move. they hold me captive of everything and i hate it, so so much. they resist me from going where i want, doing what i want, eating what i want, even talking to who i want. why can't i just be normal. better than that, why can't i be dead.

i will never will tell anyone though. because hearing voices in your head means you're crazy, right? and i'm already fucked up as it is, i don't need more things to add for people to worry about me. i absolutely dispise people worrying sick about me, it makes me feel guilty. hence why i barely have any friends since i push them away so they won't care. worry about yourself, i'll be good.