Need - Jude Bellingham

2

a/n~ little homemade layout of her room for u guys 😭😭
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2:55am
"Dele it's your own fault quit complaining. Plus you get to chill with the England squad!" Kayla was on the other end of the phone, ignoring her best friend's cry for help.
"No but I'm being for real you know. Like I genuinely think maybe I need to get like a therapist or some shit. Then I can cope in different ways and stop spending all my money on zoots. I just- I don't know man," I shrugged, no longer wanting to talk about it.

"Girl I'm just saying, if you were still with Jay you'd be getting zoots for free."
"He was cheating on me Kay?" I looked from the blunt I was rolling back to the phone in disbelief.
She hummed, "Everyone makes mistakes."
"Nah you're bugging ahliee!" I laughed, "I'm gonna try sleep yeah, chat to me in a bit."
"In a bit."

I cracked open the window as far as the safety lock on it would let me, sitting on the headboard of the bed and lighting the end of my expertly rolled spliff and taking a long inhale, letting it hang from my lips for a moment before hanging it out the window.

From the age of fifteen it's been my way of dealing with things. I knew it was bad, I wasn't proud of my coping mechanisms but it was the only time I felt a buzz, as if I were actually alive. It helped me to relax and forget about everything that was going on around me. Almost as if everyone else kept moving but I stayed in my own little world, no one being able to bother me.

The first time I had weed, I bought it from a guy in school, the year above. I was in year ten, and god was that a bad year. My parents were arguing twenty four seven so home was never enjoyable. Kayo had trainings and games, nobody had time for me.

I fell in with the wrong crowd, letting my grades slip and I went from being predicted all A's and two A*'s to C's and D's. I was just tired of no one appreciating me, why should I put in all this effort at school just to go home and get asked why my 93% wasn't 100? Why should I waste my teenage years trying to impress my parents when they never really cared?

I think I entered a stage of depression but Ill never call it that to other people, I don't know what it was. All I know is that I didn't talk to people unless I was mouthing off which ended up in endless fights leading to endless punishments at home.

I had a short temper, I was a tick bomb as some described me, just waiting to be set off. But sometimes I think it was justified. For example, we went to a predominantly white school, me and kayo, and the same greasy prick decided to use the n-word in multiple occasions. I told him to shut his mouth but he didn't listen so I shut it for him. That ended with Bukayo dragging me off him and the three of us being sent to the principles office. Of course with only me getting a punishment.

Anyway, after using weed all this time I got hooked on it. I can't function properly without it which is what lead me to getting kicked out in the first place.

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Flashback (earlier this morning):
"I swear to God man-"
I continued to rip my room apart, looking for the tin containing three bags of cannabis and the grinder, paper, filters etc. I needed a smoke so bad yesterday but couldn't find it anywhere, I eventually managed to fall asleep but now I was awake I was beyond grouchy, tearing everything apart in search for it.

"Are you looking for this?" My dads voice boomed from the doorway.
"How did you-"
"Why are you like this? What did we do to deserve a daughter like you?" he shook the tin in front of my face as I stared at him blankly, "Answer me! Why cant you be more like Bukayo? He's got so much going for himself and you're wasting the precious life God gave you!"