Need - Jude Bellingham

22

I connected to my speaker, letting Brent Faiyaz play as I tried to collect my thoughts whilst laying sprawled out on my bed.

Usually I would've smoked weed at the first sign of my happiness being put at risk, not caring if really it damaged it worse in the long run. But I couldn't do that now, not to Bukayo and not to Jude. I actually had things to lose now and it freaked me out.

Pulling out my phone, I finally decided to stop being stubborn and call Kayla back.
She picked up on the first ring, "Ayodele!"
"Hey Kay. Can I talk to you serious for a second?"
"I'm sorry but I'm out right now, can it wait? I do really want to talk to you, I've been calling you all week to apologise."

I sighed, "It's alright, bell me whenever."
"Thanks Dele!" I could hear the smile in her voice, "I've gotta go but love you!"
"Yeah you too."
I hung up, throwing my head into a pillow and letting out some pent up anger before my phone started to ring again.

"What?"
"Wow rude," I heard Alejandro's voice making me laugh.
"Sorry I thought you were someone else. You got home alright?"
"Yeah in one piece. Thanks for letting me talk to your brother, he's really cool," he gushed making me smile.
"Yeah he is, not as much as me though."
"Obviously, obviously."

"Did you need something or just bored? Either's fine, I'm just chilling right now."
He hesitated, "I just wanted to check everything was alright. Your um- well-being? That was the word right? I don't know, you just seemed a little off today."

"That's sweet. Don't worry about me though, I'm calm."
"You don't sound it. What's up? You can chat whatever to me because I don't even know anyone over here," he laughed.
"It's just- I don't know. Nothing ever feels real, do you get me? Like I can't even remember what I had for dinner yesterday, how can I expect someone to remember me in a hundred years?"
"You think nothing matters because no one will remember?"
"I guess. I don't know, there's more to it I just don't know how to say it."

"Surely it should be a good thing, no one remembering or caring. That means you can do whatever you want because no one will remember it."
I smiled, "That's a good way of looking at it actually. I was more saying like why should I bother with anything if no one cares."

"Two sides to it then I guess. Just try stay positive Dele, I don't like seeing you sad."
He was so cute man.
"Thanks Jandro. I really appreciate you, you know?"
"I appreciate you too. I'd still be stuck inside with Jayden without you," he said, grimace in his voice making me laugh, "I'm gonna go but you're always okay to text me if you need anything, alright?"
"Alright. Love you man."
"Te quiero hermana." (love you sister)

I hung up the phone smiling to myself, happy to have made such a great friend in a short amount of time and no longer feeling the temptation to find the dreaded tin in my wardrobe.

There was a knock at the door, making me jump as I sighed, realising I wasn't really gonna get a moment to myself.
"Come in!" I shouted, not wanting to move from my comfy position.
Jude entered, looking kind of angry but trying to hide it, a small tight lipped smile not doing the best job.

"You okay?" I asked hesitantly, shuffling backwards to lay on the pillows better.
He nodded, "Yeah I'm calm."
I looked at him with my eyebrows raised, laughing slightly, "Yeah alright."
"Does this piss you off? Something obviously being wrong and me not telling you?"

I rolled my eyes, realising what he was getting at, "Yeah but if you don't feel comfortable sharing that with me then I'm not gonna make you feel guilty or try force it out of you."

"I'm not-" He let out a breath, putting his head in his hands as he leant against my desk, "Im not trying to force it out of you and the last thing I want to do is make you feel guilty for not telling me but you have to understand where I'm annoyed here. I'm meant to be your boyfriend, if you're not comfortable enough to tell me these things then maybe I shouldn't be. Maybe since you love Alejandro so much, he should give it a go."

I laughed bitterly, "Are you joking? My friend called me because I was upset and you're just listening in on the conversation? Nah you're weird. I say love you to everyone and he's almost like a brother. 'Since I love Alejandro so much' give me a break!"

"I'm sorry alright? It's all just getting a bit annoying," he ran a hand through his hair.
"You knew what you were getting yourself into and none of this is even deep so if you can't handle this then I suggest you leave now and save us all the hassle."

"What? No. I'm not leaving you, I just- Am I not allowed to find things annoying?"
I took a deep breath, "Maybe we should talk about this another time when I'm in a better mood 'cause I can't see this ending well."

"Why? Nah let's just sort this out now. You obviously-"
"Jude. Let me think about everything before I say it please. Can I have some time to myself?" I struggled to keep my voice level, trying to stay calm despite how bad he was getting under my skin right now.

"Whatever," he got up, rolling his eyes as he left the room, the door slamming and my heart dropping. This was the unnecessary stress I was scared of.

It's not that I wasn't comfortable with him, I don't know why I don't wanna talk about it with him. It just scares me how perfect he is compared to me and I don't want to seem like a liability. I'm complaining about what? That I dissociate every now and again? Big fucking deal Ayodele.

I was trying so hard to appear like everything was fine when I was around him because I don't want him thinking badly of me. Truth is, I couldn't care less about what Alejandro or Jadon think. That's why I was fine with Jadon coming to my house and fine with confiding in Alejandro about my problems. I don't care how they view me, if they were to judge me. But with Jude?

It's stupid and I'm letting my desire to keep up this failing perfect act drive a wedge between us because I can't talk to him.

I sighed, pulling a hoodie over my head and shoving the metal tin from the bottom of my wardrobe into the big pocket on my front, grabbing my phone and making my way off campus.

———

the first of her many fuck ups