Need - Jude Bellingham

31

Jude's arms stayed wrapped around me tightly as he laid as the bigger spoon, so close that I could feel his breathing on the back of my neck.

I didn't get much sleep as I thought about our conversation yesterday. I shouldn't have dated him to begin with, I should've thought about the practical stuff; there's no way this would've been able to work. I was stupid to give in and let myself get attached.

"You okay sweetheart?" he caught me by surprise, his voice tired as he kissed my neck and shoulder.

I nodded, "Mhm."
"Been awake all this time?"
"Nah," I lied and no longer felt his body against mine as he pulled away to make a face before pulling my body back into his.
"Are you lying?"
I smiled, "Yeah."
"Dickhead," he laughed as he shook his head, making me mock gasp at the disrespect.

I leant back into his shoulder that laid against the mattress so I was able to see his face as he smiled stupidly at me, eyes still only half open.
"I love you."
He looked concerned, "Love you too darling. You sure you're alright?"
I nodded and he tightened his grip around me before drifting off again, leaving me to my thoughts, eyes lingering over to my wardrobe.

I managed to slip out of his hold, causing him to stir and me to freeze.
"Just going bathroom, I'll be back in a minute."
He nodded before rolling back over, the guy must've been knackered.

I shut the door behind me quietly, walking down the hallway and into my bathroom, running the tap and splashing my face. I gripped both sides of the sink, looking at myself in the mirror above it. I couldn't fuck up again.

Tears brimmed in my eyes as I fought the temptation of going back to get the metal tin, biting my lip and trying to think of something else to do. I splashed my face again before wiping my hands and going back out into the hallway.

I walked further down the corridor until I was stood outside Jess and Marc's room. I waited a few seconds, tryna listen to see if they were talking or not. I heard nothing and assumed they were asleep, making me groan and head back to my room.

I passed Bukayo's room seeing as it was next to mine and heard light music playing, making me breathe a sigh of relief before knocking. The music paused and he was soon at the door, confusion written all over his face as he looked me over before pulling me into a hug.

"What's up?"
"Nothing, I'm fine, I'm fine," I wiped my eyes, laughing and then collapsing onto his bed, "What's up with you? Why you still awake it's like four?"
"Couldn't sleep, just thinking about too much. Come on man, tell me what's wrong," he pressed further, brushing my questions off.

I sighed, "I ain't been completely honest with you, you know?"
His eyebrows furrowed as he sat beside me, nodding for me to carry on.
"You need to let me fully explain before you say anything. I'm not-"
"Just fucking say it, you're scaring me!"

I laughed nervously, "I smoked. A couple weeks ago. Not on campus or nothing. A lot was going on, mainly just stuff I built up in my head 'cause it weren't even that deep and then I argued with Jude and Kayla and everything just got too much. I regretted it the moment I did it. Please don't be angry, I just didn't like keeping secrets from you."

He stayed still, licking his bottom lip as he took a deep breath in, trying to figure out what to say.
"Well it's done now innit, nothing any arguings gonna change."
"But you're still annoyed, please man just try and understand I-"

"I get it, whatever. I'm not pissed, I just-" He sucked in, running his hands over his face, "I really thought you were getting better. I thought we were past all this. I thought maybe you'd grown up a bit and I could stop worrying about you twenty four seven. It is what it is, no point deeping it. Just disappointed I guess."