Need - Jude Bellingham

11

Four days later:

The sounds of birds woke me up, making me groan as I realised it must've been early. I wiped my eyes to be able to see properly and was faced with a wide awake Jude, smiling down at me as I had unconsciously moved to sleep on his chest.

"Shut up," I rolled over, burying my head into the pillows.
"Hey I wasn't complaining," he joked, snaking an arm around my waist, causing me to turn back around so he'd move it.
"What are we doing Jude?"

He seemed a bit taken aback as he thought for a second before shrugging, "I don't know."
"Well maybe we need to stop this then because it's not like it's gonna turn into anything and I don't wanna be known as the girl who just lets random boys share a bed with her."
He furrowed his eyebrows, "What?"

"All the guys know you've been spending the night with me. They make jokes about it all the time and I'm fine with that but when it eventually stops they're gonna be confused on why we aren't dating or something. They'll think I'm a slag," I rubbed my temple, "And I can't annoy Bukayo with how much he's doing for me right now."
"You're waffling, go back to sleep," he laughed, pushing my head back into the pillows.

"So this is normal to you? You just casually sleep with a girl three nights in a row?" I raised an eyebrow.
He shook his head, "Shut up obviously it's not."
"Then you can see where I'm coming from?"
He paused for a second before nodding, "Yeah I guess."

"I guess my arse," I muttered, rolling my eyes and turning the other way to him, trying to fall back asleep.
He shuffled closer to me, "I don't get why you're annoyed though. Did you not want me to stay? I would've gone if you were uncomfortable, I just-"
"Obviously I wanted you to stay. That's the problem," I stressed as he looked at me quizzically.

"I'm not following."
"I wanted you to stay. In fact, I was upset the nights you weren't here," I threw up my hands as he smiled.
"Surely that's a good thing?"

"What do you want? Out of this? From me?"
He shrugged, "I don't know."
"Well I know what I don't want. I don't want to like a guy. I don't want to come dependent on him. I don't want to feel upset without him. I don't want to go through the stress a guy brings with him. I don't want to-"
"Ayodele," he held my hand which instantly made me stop talking, "You're thinking too much. All I know is that I like being around you, I like staying the night with you and I like talking to you. If that develops into something else, why fight it?"

I shook my head, "No. You don't get it."
"You're right, I don't. Enlighten me," he responded, growing annoyed.

"I don't want it to develop into something else. I can't deal with that. I'm a bitch, I'm unreliable, shit I'm literally an addict. You'll get fed up of all my problems and it won't last. I don't want to go through that again. I just-"

"Ayodele," he pushed my braids away from my face, "You're not a bitch, you're not unreliable and your addiction isn't forever. I won't get fed up of 'your problems' because as long as we're together they're our problems. Anything either of us have to face, we'll face it together. Don't leave me hanging just because you dated a dick before me. I'm nothing like that and you know it."

I stayed silent as his eyes searched my face for an answer, "So what you thinking?"
"I'm sorry," I sighed, "But I just can't. It wouldn't be fair to you. You deserve someone who can be there for you as much as you're willing to be there for them. You haven't seen that side of me, where I'm arguing with everyone all because I need to smoke something. I don't think properly and I'm rude to everyone around me, it doesn't matter who they are or how I feel about them. You-"

"But you're not listening!" he put his hands in his hair before taking a breath, "I don't care. I couldn't give two fucks if you're gonna violate me every now and again, who cares? You do that anyway."
I laughed but he carried on, "You need to stop thinking you're such a bad person, you're not even. You're more than good enough for me, everyone comes with baggage and if yours is a bit heavier than normal, then shit I'm ready for the challenge."