Need - Jude Bellingham

23

I wondered out the big gates, onto a country road with bushes lining each side and the lane making it seem as if it should only be one way since two cars could definitely not fit side by side.

It was late, the sounds of crickets and birds being the only noise along with my footsteps as I walked shakily down the uneven path, breath hitching as I thought about what I was doing but I didn't care anymore.

An opening on the left side of the bushes allowed me to walk onto a field and sit down since it hadn't rained in days. I took out the tin, placing it in front of me as I sat cross legged, staring at it.

Three weeks sober.

I groaned, using my hands to cover my face as the rate of my breathing increased, fighting every twitching muscle that tried to reach for the container.

Why was I like this? Why couldn't I just be fucking normal and deal with it like a normal person would? Why was I so dramatic? Why was I always feeling sorry for myself? I can't ruin it. I can't do this.

I felt a tear fall down my left cheek and wiped it away hastily, laughing to myself as I shook my head, hearing the hinges of the tin lid screech as I opened it up, revealing two pre rolled spliffs along with the stuff needed to make more and a lighter.

I reached for a zoot, letting it balance out the side of my mouth as I messed around with the lighter, finally getting it working and shielding it from the wind as I lit it.

I took in a deep breath, relaxing as soon as I inhaled the drug, ready for it to numb out everything I was feeling.

About ten minutes had passed and my ringtone caught me off guard as I sat in the darkness, the spliff no longer being the only source of light as my phone turned on, displaying Marcus' name. I ignored it, muttering to myself as he continued to call despite getting no answer the first three times, finally making me pick it up.

"What?"
"Where are you? Are you okay?" his voice was filled with panic, not paying attention to my rude greeting which instantly made me feel bad, my emotions taking over as I finally broke down, crying hysterically as I tried my best to explain everything even though it was impossible to make out what I was saying.

"Ayodele, deep breaths okay? I'm here," he soothed, waiting for my breathing to go back to normal before speaking again, "Where are you? Do you want me to get Bukayo?"
"No!" I blurted out instantly, causing him to hesitate.
"Okay but you're not staying by yourself. Can I come get you? Or I can try find Jude?"

I closed my eyes at the mention of his name, pinching the bridge of my nose as I thought about what the fuck I was gonna do.

I put out the spliff on the lid of the tin, placing the remains of it back inside and closing it.
"I'm out the main gates, take a right and walk down a bit."
"So you're fine with me coming, yeah?"
"Yeah."
He sighed a sigh of relief, "Okay. I'll be with you in a second, stay on the phone."

In under two minutes I could hear his footsteps approaching so I ended the call, standing up and meeting him on the road, watching his eyes soften as he pulled me in for a hug, definitely smelling the weed but not asking any questions.

We stayed like that for a while, my tears drenching his t-shirt as he rubbed my shoulders up and down in an attempt to be comforting.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" he broke the silence.
"Ye- No. I can't, I'm horrible Marc. I don't know why I keep doing this shit, I can't even-"
"Dele, stop working yourself up. You're fine now okay? What's done is done. You're not horrible. Alright?"

"I'm Jude's girlfriend. Or I was. I don't know."
His eyebrows lifted in surprise before furrowing, "What did he do?"
"Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing. I can't talk to him about this stuff, I get too scared. But then I could easily talk to you, Jandro or Jadon about it. It makes me feel like such a snake and it's making him angry as well but I just don't know how to say anything to him."

It was quiet for a few seconds and I thought that maybe I was talking too fast and he couldn't catch what I said but turned out he was thinking.
"Ayodele you shouldn't be scared of him. If you're not comfortable with him then why's he your boyfriend? He knew what he was getting himself into and he wants you to be able to talk to him so why aren't you?"

"I'm not scared of him and I might even be more comfortable with him than I am with Kayo. I don't know why I'm not talking to him. But relationships scared me in the first place, I knew I couldn't be a good girlfriend and now-"
"Dele stop. Don't blame it on the relationship you wouldn't of told him all this stuff even if you weren't dating, there's something else. And shut up I'm sure you're a pukka girlfriend, anyone would be so lucky."

I laughed, smiling slightly, "Talking straight out your arse."
"Nah I'm being for real!" he laughed with me as we finally made our way back up the road.

We reached the gates to campus, making me hesitate before stepping inside, "They're gonna smell it."
"Everyone's either in their rooms or chilling in the social room. Long as you go up and change quick, you should be calm."
"They gon see me as soon as I walk through them doors though," I stressed, imagining the look on my brother's face.

"There's another door in the gym, we'll go through there. But Dele this is the only time I'm not gonna say nothing okay? I don't wanna be a snake and I'll always be here for you but if it happens again then I have to tell Kayo. It's in your best interest, you could get proper help."

The left side of my face lifted as I looked at him almost in disgust, "I don't need proper help."
"I don't mean it like that, you know what I meant," he tried to reason with me as I walked faster, no longer wanting to have a conversation with him. Deep down I knew he was right but that wasn't what I wanted to hear right now.

I opened the door to the gym, scanning the room before stepping inside, jogging over to and up the staircase, stopping at the disabled bathrooms. This had become my bathroom seeing as the boys all shared the other communal showers and I didn't have an en-suite or anything. It was only three doors away from my bedroom so as long as I wrapped myself in a towel and ran, no one would see me.

I pulled my jumper and t-shirt over my head before stepping out my joggers and placing it on the lid of the toilet seat, my phone balanced on top of the pile.
I checked the door was locked then the time. 22:43. I had a few notifications, six missed calls from Jude. I'd sort it later.

I let the water run for a minute, waiting until it was hot and then stepped inside, letting the water fall over me, washing my regrets of tonight away.

———
mason mount joined man utd and is no7.

URGEHDHDHDHHD

WE DONT NEED HIM WE SHOULDVE SAVED OUR P FOR OSIMHEN BUT NO LETS WASTE IT ON MOUNT AND THEN JUST AS I WAS KINDA COMING ROUND TO THE IDEA BECAUSE YK MOUNTS NOT BAD ITS JUST ANNOYING, GUESS WHAT? HES NO7?!?!?!? OVER GARNACHO? HE HASNT EVEN PLAYED FOR US YET IM SO PISSED OFFFHFJFJFKDKDBDND