𝑌𝑜𝑢'𝑟𝑒 𝑂𝑛 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑂𝑤𝑛 𝐾𝑖𝑑

Let the Voices (W)in - XX

28th September

The following Thursday, it felt as if I had no energy. It was as if I didn't even have the energy to get out of bed to even just puke.

And that was a stretch.

It all started when I had woken up.

No energy, no sleep deprivation.

Just numbness.

It wasn't even as if I hadn't tried to move to get food, because I had. And it was a failure at that.

I fell out of bed.

It took me five minutes to work up the energy to speak, and another five to move my arms and hands.

I had to wait twenty minutes until Jameson realised I wasn't in bed for him to lift me back in, give me my glasses, and go grab breakfast.

When he did eventually come back, I let out a sigh of content at the toast that had been sat in front of me.

"Thank you," I said as I turned to Jameson, toast already halfway in my mouth.

"You're welcome," Jameson said as he kissed me on the forehead, "Do you want to do anything today?"

"Currently, half my body feels numb, so no, not right now," I say as I continue to chomp down on my toast.

"That's okay. I love you," Jameson says as he gets out of bed again and starts to get ready for the day. I smile at him before replying.

"I love you too," I say.

So, somehow, I got from a nice happy moment with my boyfriend, to feeling numb in my bed.

And when I say numb, I now mean mentally numb.

At my last therapy session, I had discussed with Dr Matthew how I had had these numb episodes lately, and what he had said was how I had suffered a trauma. So, from that trauma, there were side effects.

Like feeling mentally numb.

Or wanting the world to just end.

And it wasn't, and will never be, a great feeling, because, at those times, I had no control over my body.

It was horrible.

So now, while I lie in bed, questioning the reasoning of why I should be here, and the reasons for life, I felt my brain just shut itself down to the outside world and it fade into lands of the voices and the horrors of my head.

Worthless.

Failure.

Screw-up.

Whore.

That was what they all said until a new sentence arose from the mixture.

'The next few months will bring you great pain, unlike no other you've had before.'

The problem with this sentence now though, was that I was so deep in my thoughts now, I didn't even notice the small tear that ran down my cheek as I listened to what all the voices had to say.

The mantra of words continued as I continued to push myself deeper and deeper into my memories of when I screwed up, or when I was a failure.

When I was worthless.

If I'd had the effort, I would've walked and grabbed my Xanax pills and taken a bunch and chug some water.

I rethought that though, realising about the life growing inside me, that I forgot was there until my urge to puke again came back as quietly, in the distance, someone entered my room.