𝑌𝑜𝑢'𝑟𝑒 𝑂𝑛 𝑌𝑜𝑢𝑟 𝑂𝑤𝑛 𝐾𝑖𝑑

Grief Is Difficult to Deal With - XXVII

11th November

Remembrance Day had always been hard for me.

Whether it be everyone's constant need to talk about feelings, or the constant pressure from others to 'remember' someone.

This year though was probably going to be my toughest yet.

I woke up, a glum look on my face, no reason for it, most likely, though, it being the pregnancy hormones, which I soon realised were not going to be helping me at all today.

I hadn't gotten much sleep last night, the feeling of impending doom penetrated my thoughts yesterday as well.

I was given an unbearable situation.

So for the most part, I felt numb. Empty. Emotionless.

Like nothing had ever actually happened.

Inside though, there was a raging war going on between my brain and my heart.

I felt like I couldn't move.

So, when I did finally head down to the kitchen to go and get some breakfast and I heard what sounded like Mum crying and realised why, I ran back to my room, stuck my face into a pillow and cried every tear I had been withholding from the world.

{----------}

It felt as if hours had passed by the time I had stopped crying.

The tears not even wanting my presence anymore.

So, I got up, walked into the bathroom and then locked myself in there, wishing my thoughts would stop.

I paced in the bathroom for a while, wondering some deep philosophical questions while also thinking about trying not to puke, cry or do both at the same time.

I did end up doing the crying part though.

It happened when I heard the door open and someone walks in, closing the door behind them, and then call out my name.

I stay quiet as I try to contain the built-up tears from their dam as the person called out my name before eventually, I heard a chap on the locked door, followed by Alice's voice.

"Katie, whatever you're doing in there, I don't care, but just please don't kill yourself," I hear Alice say, her voice sounding like she had been crying too, "Just please?" Alice said as I let out a shaky breath, determined not to let the tears fall.

I stopped pacing a while ago, but only now did I sit down on the floor, trying to, quietly, let the tears fall.

"Kaitlyn, knock once if you're not okay, twice if you are," Alice then says quietly, and I move at a snail's pace over to the door where I knock twice, unbearably slowly, "Okay, good, you're alive," Alice then says.

I then hear the door open and close a second time, before someone walks over I hear them say something.

"She in there?" I hear what sounded like Jameson say from the other side of the door before I hear Alice reply with a small 'yep' and then the silence continues.

"Kaitlyn, I have depressed sad day cookies here. If you want them you're going to have to open the door," Jameson then says and slowly, I turn, stretching to reach the doorknob to open the door, wanting the promise of the cookies, that when I opened it, I saw cookies lying on the floor right in front of the door, waiting to be eaten.

I pick up a cookie, trying to hide the fact that I had been crying while chomping down on it.

"Boom. That's how you get her out of a bathroom crying session," Jameson says quietly to Alice, but not quiet enough, as I look up as he says it, a slight look of annoyance on my face knowing it was true, "How are you doing hun?" Jameson asks as I then look up again.

"Not great," I say, my voice croaky from the lack of use of it.

"Okay then," Jameson said and then grabbed the plate and helped me up from my spot on the floor, "Let's get you back in bed and eat some of these," And with that I got up, got into bed and took back the plate of cookies, as a thought crosses my mind.

"Don't I have work to do today?" I ask, looking up to see Alice leaving the room and Jameson walking over to the wall of bookshelves and picking out a book, both turn when they hear me speak from my spot on the bed.

"That's what I came in here to say at first," Alice said, keeping the door open "Mum's doing it for you. She knows Father's death hit you hard, so she offered to do your work for you today. She's done things like this before, especially after other relatives have died, so she thought, especially since it's your first, like, big Remembrance Day, she'd do your work for you."

"Thanks," I say quietly, trying to look everywhere but at the people looking at me.

"Alright, I'll see you both at dinner then," Alice replies and leaves the room, leaving the silence to absorb the room whole.

"You sure you're okay?" Jameson said walking back over with the book he picked out in hand.

"Nope," I say curtly, not expecting the conversation to go anywhere.

"Do you need some sleep?" He asks now sitting down on the bed.

"Probably. I didn't get much sleep last night anyway," I then say, not wanting to cause too much bother now.

"Then let's get you some sleep just now then," Jameson says and kisses my temple, letting me lie down on his chest and the silence returns again, "Do you need your sleeping pills?"

"Yep."

"Are they pregnancy friendly?" Jameson asked.

"Well, considering I first got them when Sybil broke us up and she tried to kill me, I'd say no," I say quietly.

"Good job I asked Doctor Reid about some similar substitutes for your normal ones at the last scan then, isn't it?" Jameson says and then reaches over to his bedside table and grabs a bottle of pills before passing them to me, along with a bottle of water.

I take the pills before settling down again, feeling my eyelids droop more every second.

"Goodnight lovely," Jameson said, squeezing me slightly.

"G'night hun," I say quietly and then let sleep overcome my senses, letting the emptiness disappear.

The darkness behind my eyelids overwhelmed me at first, my breathing hitching slightly, and Jameson clearly noticed by the fact that he held me just that little bit tighter, trying to get me to relax a little bit more again.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.

Okay, who has two thumbs and is absolutely loving Speak Now (Taylor's version)? This Gal!

Yeah, I'm a massive swiftie...

Okay, bye! :)

- Rachel

UPDATED; 08/07/2023

WORDS; 1063