Enigmatic | HS

30 | I'm too broken

Tilly Taylor:

I must have fallen asleep on the plane because I woke up to a throbbing pain in my neck, my pillow wasn't soft and I was definitely still sat up right. I slowly peel open my tired eyes to see I had fallen asleep on Harry, my head was resting on his shoulder and his head was resting on top of mine.

Feeling suddenly aware at the closeness and our displayed affections I moved my head slowly, hoping it would wake him, his hand was laced with mine resting on my lap twitched at my movements, I must be dreaming right? There's no way I fell asleep on Harry and in my subconscious state grabbed his hand, or maybe he grabbed mine?

It didn't matter anymore we had crossed that invisible boundary of friends when I asked him to stay the night, but it felt like we were moving to fast for my head to really take it in. I adored Harry he has become a really big light in my life but part of me is worried that if we take this too another level then I could loose him, if we cross that invisible fine line of friendship and dating and discuss it out loud then it would be too real.

I didn't want to cross it not now when everything was perfect, if we dated I could loose him to a fall out portentially, he could hurt me in more ways then one if I let myself fall, he's the only person besides Rosie who gets me, who sees all my broken pieces and still sticks around I've let this go too far now, we should of just remained friends, I begin to overthink everything and immediately needed space to breathe.

I shoot up from my seat, startling Harry awake in the process I run to the bathroom shutting but not locking the door behind me, I slide down the wall trying to catch my breath.

Breathe in, breathe out, I tell myself as my chest begins to tighten and it feel like I'm suffocating from lack of air.

" Angel? " I hear his raspy voice through the door calling me that pet name I've learned to love how it's making my anxiety worse.

" Tilly? " he knocks again but I can't think, I can't breathe my spirling mind has sent me into a panic attack.

Suddenly the door slides open and Harry is by my side, he brushes loose strands of hair out of my face to get a better look at me, his brows are furrowed in worry.

" baby what's wrong " he closes the door so we have some privacy, another pet name another stab to my heart knowing I could never let him love me, he showed me that people can be tender with your soul if you let them in but now I'm about to ruin all that with my dam stupid mind.

" just breathe for me okay In and out long deep breaths, it's okay, I've got you no one's going to hurt you baby " he rubs his hands up and down my arms, I shake my head in protest, I don't want to lie to him but I also don't want to scream in his face for him to stop touching me.

" Harry " I choke out tears falling down my face.

" I'm too broken " I shake my head admitting half of my truth to him, I need to tell him but the thought of hurting him in the process made me swallow my words, Harry was a kind and gentle soul he wore his heart on his sleeve and I've noticed lately that he wasn't just in this for sex and a friendship I could tell he craved more from me, more I couldn't give because I was afraid to loose him.

Harry styles:

Tears streamed down her face with each tear my heart broke a little, I was confused and worried all mixed up into a ball of heartache seeing her like this, what triggered her to panic so much? Was it a bad dream, maybe flying across the world made her uneasy either way I just wanted to make it right, I wanted to fix it.

Her face was crunched up as her breathing finally slowed, head titled back slightly on the bathroom wall with knees to her chest " I'm too broken " she mutters through her heavy breaths, my heart broke a little for her then.

" you're not, don't say that my love " I try reach for her, I just wanted to hold her so tight it would put all the broken parts of her back together in my arms, but she shakes her head.

" I can't- I can't do this with you, Harry I think we should just be friends " I didn't expect that, I had to hide the shock on my face, the pain in my chest and the sickness I felt in my stomach, I think back to what I did wrong? I was too much too soon for her.

I tried to listen to Rosie's words this morning but I let my heart win over my mind making my affections more obvious to everyone including her and now I've made her have a panic attack. I'm the worst possible selfish human right now.

" I'm sorry " I mutter out hanging my head low.

" what? Why are you sorry? " I can't even look at her right now all I feel is shame and guilt because I was too selfish to just let her be.

" I'm sorry I was too much when all you asked- all you needed was a friend " I finally look at her, her tears have stopped now but I can still see the hurt behind her eyes mixed with confusion.

" Harry it's not you it's me, you've been perfect I just don't know how to do this. I only said we'd be better off as friends because I don't want to loose you if I freak out like this again, I'm just finding my way and it wouldn't be fair to mix you up in it and hurt you " she confesses.

It hurt hearing how she didn't want me, but on the other hand I was slightly relieved to hear her say she was scared to loose me and still wanted me in her life at least, Rosie was right she's still figuring stuff out I sometimes forget most things are new to her even dating, I just have to take a step back and admire her from afar, I need to let her walk on her own, find her own path and make her own mistakes and I'll be there every step of the way.

I may not be by her side like I wanted to be so badly, but I'll be a couple steps behind waiting to catch her if she falls and needs me, hell she may even find love in someone else eventually and I'll just have to deal with that because I refuse to be selfish anymore, I just wanted what was best for her.

//
Scream if you wanna got fastaaaa, serious whiplash but it's all part of the plan for this story I'm sorry!
This was more of a filler chapter next chapters are much more fun!

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