Enigmatic | HS

35 | Holding onto Heartache

Harry styles:

As the day fades into dusk we all sit around the camp fire drinking and eating noodles that Liam had ever so kindly made for us on the fire zayn built, in this moment watching the sun stink behind the tall trees I should of felt contentment but I don't.

All I feel is a burning rage of jealousy and envy as I watch Tilly cosy up besides Louie, she's throwing her head back in laughter at some witty comment I'm sure he just made, then it makes me question why can't I be witty and funny like him.

Am I only good enough to fuck and be friends with, i had no intention of falling for this girl but my heart dived off into the deep end before my brain could catch up, sipping my beer I rip my gaze away from them both.

" you okay mate? " Niall sits next to me wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

" yeah " I hum.

" don't lie to me styles, I know you're not I mean you're even drinking when you have a show tomorrow you never do that " I hate how well all these boys know me to know my habits, if Niall has picked up on it I'm sure they all probably have.

" is it Tilly and Louie? " he whispered.

" yup " I swig my beer once more, I put her own happiness before my own, she needs to find herself do new things like dating, I was just stupid enough to think it would of been with me.

" honestly Harry I thought you guys were a thing, I saw the way you looked at one another I don't know where this whole thing with Louis has come from " Niall shakes his head, he's an observant bugger isn't he.

" we're just friends " correction I thought she sees me as a friend and I'm hopelessly in love with her.

" didn't seem like it to me, her eyes always seem to find you in a room full of people, even when she says she's preoccupied with someone else " I frown and cast a glance at Louie and Tilly, sure enough she's watching me even with Louie rambling on in her ear.

" you're wrong " I get to to grab another beer being annoyed at Niall for getting my hopes up, but that boy is a lover boy, always has been.

Tilly Taylor:

Louie brought me laughter, painted a smile on my face and I could drown in the sea of blue that are his eyes but still when he spoke to me my eyes were drawn to the green ones across from me.

Harry, maybe it was the guilt I felt inside from flirting with Louie right in front of him, maybe it was because those beautiful sage green eyes were crying only hours ago because I couldn't give him what he truly deserved.

Harry was pure, he held the purest love and had the biggest heart. I was too broken to ever receive such kind of love, I'm lucky enough to be his close friend and that's all we will ever be friends.

" come on Tilly we need to get a photo of us all together as I'm not sure when it will happen again " Liam calls me over as the boys huddle together for a photo.

I reach out to take Liam's phone but he quickly pulls it away, " no you're one of us now, part of the band " he gives me a big cheesy grin.

I take a step back confused why they would want me In the photo in the first place, " not so fast love, come here " Louie breaks away from the boys and huddles his arms around my waist guiding me towards the rest of them.

I can't help but laugh and breath in his scent of cigarettes, a scent I never liked until I tasted it on my lips from his.

I stand in the centre smiling like an idiot, as Liam snaps the photo of us all, my smile fades as soon as the phone is taken away the familiar smell of tobacco and vanilla fills my nose as a warm chest is pressed up against my back.

" you look happy, are you happy? Angel " that dam nick name gives me butterfly's each time it leaves his cherry lips.

Am I? I don't even know anymore I'm stuck walking a fine line of being okay and not, I'm happy with where my life is going now but at the same time the old me, my old ways are still trying to anchor me down in the same harbour of loneliness and anger.

Am I happy is such a loaded question, but I except nothing less from Harry, " I'm getting there " I turn so my eyes meet his the fire casts an orange glow over his face, his face is hardened his eyes a little blood shot from the tears he shed earlier.

what I really want to ask him is are you happy Harry, but he walks away before I can mutter the words I'm stood frozen in place until the green eyes with so much hurt are replace with alive and bright blue ones.

" it's getting late shall we call it a night " a cheeky smirk plays on his face, I look around to see everyone had retired to their tents. Everyone but Harry who sits in a chair beer in his hand as he gazes into the fire, he looks like he's not paying me and Louie attention but I know he is.

Louie takes my hand in his and guides me to our tent I climb in first taking off my shoes, Louie is quick to follow zipping up the tent but just before the wall of fabric blocks us from the outside world i catch a glimpse of Harry, Harry looking at me with pain in his eyes.

I almost want to call all this off, I want to scream at myself for not wanting him back in the way he wants me. I can't stand to see him hurt, or see the look of betrayal in his eyes, I'm the worst kind of person.

Louie was quick to open his sleeping bag and mine creating a make shift double one on the tent floor, he laid down making himself comfortable whilst I stare frozen at the tent door.

" hey you coming to bed love? " Louie's words snap me out of my thoughts temporarily as I make my way underneath the covers to join him, his body heat provides with some form of comfort but not enough to rid my stomach of the heavy feeling it's currently carrying.

" hey, what's the matter love? " Louie turns me to face him and moves a small piece of hair from my face. I don't say what's wrong with me because the last thing I want to do is cause any problems or ruin what could be with me and Louie.

" it's Harry isn't it, you know we spoke tonight about it all " he whispers into the now darkness, I'm assuming Harry had put the fire out and gone to bed.

" you did? "

" yeah he told me you've friend zoned him a lot and it bruised his ego a little but he said he wants to see you happy, and hopefully I could provide some of that happiness " his words soothe me, knowing the boys haven't fallen out and there's no bad blood and they are dealing with this like adults.

" then he added he'd break my face if I ever hurt you so there's that " we both chuckle, I shake my head and feel Louie pull me closer, his hot breath fans over my face, his fingers trail down my arms leaving light touches.

his lips find mine in the darkness, they start off soft and tender his touches on my body still light, but soon my body is craving more, wanting more. I don't just kiss for the pleasure of doing so, it always leads to something else.

I return his soft kisses with more pent up fiery ones, his touches turn from light to harsh gripping my waist and pulling me into his body, heavy pants and little whimpers are exchanged between kissing.

But then it hits me I'm doing it again, I'm rushing into sex without letting myself get to know a person really, I want the old me, my old habits dead and buried.

I pull away from his grip for a moment panting from how passionate our kissing had got, the tension is so thick in the air right now you could cut it with a knife.

" urm I'm sorry I just don't want to do that yet " the familiar feeling of guilt starts to swallow me whole again.

" no no don't be I don't expect it either, we both just got carried away a little " he chuckles, pulling my body back to his, Louie places a small kiss on my forehead and I sigh in relief he understands and fall asleep with guilt in my chest and a heavy feeling in my heart.

//

Sooooo it's been a while? I mean like months I'm so sorry. I had a lot of life altering things that happened to me, so now I'm ready to come back after my break and start writing again.

- H