You are save with me

Chapter 7

TW: Selfharm, Panik

"So, Travis gave me the Card of the SFD Therapist, maybe you could give her a call?" "Why?" "Well, she could help you." Carina tryed to sound caring and nice. She didn't know the extend of Mayas history and she didn't want to ask, but she knew it might help Maya to talk about these things and process and some help might be good. "She is for people who suffered bad things on the job. My job is good. Its not the problem." "Something yesterday on your job triggered the attack. I'm not a specialist, but i'd say that was a PTSD attack." "Carina. It had nothing to do with the job." "What happend?" Carina wispered, not wanting to pry. "I don't want to talk about it. You know what, i'm going on a run." "Maya, please. Stay. We don't have to talk until you are ready." "No. I am all worked up and i will snap at you, so i need to run to not be worked up anymore." "Take your phone text, me in an hour and don't go to far, please." Maya nodded and went to get dressed.

Running helped. And Maya was so confused why. As a child she was pressured into running, it was a form of abuse, but now it helped clear her head. Sometimes though her brain was too clouded too loud so she kept on running, in hopes of getting relieve, but at some point it wouldn't work and Maya would run and run until she dropped. Today her phone ringing snapped her out of that mode. She didn't answer it, but when she heard the voice mail she stopped. "Hey Bambina, please come home. Its been three hours. Tell me where you are, I'll pick you up. I love you, we can figure this out. Trust me. Call me." Maya sighed. She slumped down against a tree and cryed. She picked up her phone and called Carina. "Can you pick me up?" she sobbed. "Yes. Bambina, are you okay?" "Mhm. Just. I wanna go home." "Where are you?" "I don't know." "Send me your location." Maya did. "I'll be there, just wait." "Can you stay on the phone." "Yes. Of course, Bambina. Talk to me." "Its just so loud. My brain.. its not stopping... And i am too much... for you... you'll leave me and....and i'll..." "Bella, Bella Bambina, please stopp. I will not leave you. Okay? Breathe. Can you breathe with me?" "Mhm." "Good. In 1...2....3...4....hold 1...2...3...4...out....1...2..3...4..hold....1...2....3....4.. Good again." They kept on with the breathing techniques until Carina spotted her.

At home Maya went to go take a shower. She felt defeated. All this will be too much for Carina, she will leave her. Maya was not enough for Carina, Maya was weak and broken. She needed Pain. She needed to feel pain. She hadn't felt the urge in so long. But now she couln't withstand it. She took the razor and opened it to take a blade out. It was a farely new razor, so the blade was sharp. She held it to her thighes. Her old scars were still prominent. Then she traced one of them. Dark red blood ran down her thighs and mixed with the water. She placed it on her thigh again and traced another scar. And again and again. Until she had two new stinging, bleeding cuts on each leg. She stepped out of the shower. The cuts were deep, but not that deep. She had cut deeper before. She didn't have any gauze so she used a pad and some kinesio tape. They cuts were still bleeding but tappering off and so Maya put on sweatpants and a shirt. "Are you okay?" Carina asked. "Yeah. I'll be right out." "Okay." The cuts hurt when she walked but it was a good kind of pain. She felt like she deserved it.

"Okay. Here we go." Carina said and gave Maya a few big folders. "What is this?" "This is my medical history." "Why?" "So you know i am broken, too. I am not leaving you, because i am broken, too and i haven't felt so safe in a long time." "What am i supposed to do with it?" "Read it." Carina sighed. "I can also tell you what i have been going through, but some of it is hard for me to talk about and so you know i'm not lying. You can read it." Maya flipped it open. "Wow. Thats a lot." "Told you." Carina chuckled. "Its all medical jargon, can you help me understand it. You don't have to talk about anything if you want to." "No i want to. Okay. Lets start from the beginning."