You are save with me

Chapter 19

TW: Pain, Abuse, Burns, talk about death

"Maya, can we talk?" Carina asked her wife two days after she had come home from the hospital. Maya nodded and sat down at the kitchen table. She had spent three more nights at the hospital and hated every second of it.
Carina sighed. "I know you are struggling right now, with your arm. And you need my help, but..." "You are hurting?" Carina sighed. "Yeah. My back is killing me. I am living on Ibuprofen and Advil." "Is there a way to make it better?" Maya gently took Carinas hand in hers. "Amelia is uping my Physio and wants me to use a cane to walk to not put so much pressure on my back, she also suggested acupuncture, but the only thing fixing my back indefinatly is surgery."
"Do it. I don't like seeing you in pain." "Its not that simple. Surgery is risky all the time, but spine surgery. i mean for Amelia this is everyday bussiness, but still. I could get paralysed, i could die. But i would have a recovery time of atleast 6 months. 3 of those in a wheelchair and atleast a year of wearing a corset. Plus therapy and rehab and and and..." "Carina breathe." "I am not going to do it until you are good again, but  but i am considering it." "I know. And thats valid. I see you are hurting. I'm sorry." "I need to get the cane Amelia suggested." "Okay. Lets head out. A bid of fresh air would do us good." Carina groaned. "Here let me help you, Mam." Maya said. "I will Mam you one." Carina scoffed. 

Maya got dressed and struggled with the buttons of her blouse. Carina helped her and when she struggled getting into her shoes, Maya helped. When she stood back up she chuckled. "What?" "Remember when we were drunk on the couch fantasizing about our future?" "Mhm." "Well you said, your dream future would be, me reading you the ingredients on recipies, when your eyes get so bad you can not read it, and you pushing my wheelchair, when my legs inevitably fall off due to too much running." "When i pictured that we were about 30 year older than now." "Still. We are kind of living the dream." Carina scoffed. Maya kissed her and Carina smiled. 

With the start of December the themperatures dropped severely and with the cold Carina had a hard time sleeping. The only comfortable position with her sore back and the cold was directliy on top of Maya front to front. With her head on Mayas boobs. Maya was a walking furnace and Carina was always cold so it work, hadn't there been Mayas broken arm.  With Carina laying ontop of her Maya couldn't rest her arm on her stomach and had to place on Carinas back, the awkward angle making it sore. But Maya didn't say anything. Watching Carina sleep was the most amazing thing in the world. 

"What are some christmas traditions you celebrate?" Diane asked Maya. She frowned. "My mom would take me and Mason to church at night on the 24th to the 25th. Other than that during the holidays i would run, the track was empty during that time. That ment my father was extra cruel, because noone saw him." "Did you like going to church?" "Hm. Yeah. I used it to rest? Kind of. I was always kind of sad seeing all those happy people, and the food. Oh my good. My mom stopped cooking a christmas dinner when i was 12 because my dad got mad and i wouldn't have been allowed to eat it anyway, cooking it just seemed cruel." "What was something good you remember about christmas?" "When my Oma was still alive. My Moms mom, she was german. She would bake cookies with us and sing german christmas songs. My mom has a lot of christmas traditions from her mom, my Oma. She moved to the US two years before my mom was born, but she kept a lot of the german traditions. And i remember her accent, when she read us stories. Maybe thats why i love Carinas accent. It is not similar at all, but i don't know, the last person i felt save with had an accent, too." "That sounds nice. When did your Oma die?" "I was 6." "I'm sorry." "It has been so long ago." Maya voice broke.
"Is there anything else you remeber that was good about christmas?" "hm.. Not so much about christmas, but about the winter. I was not a  big fan because it was cold, but when was running outside in the snow and the sun being mirrored by the tiny crystals, it was so pretty. I actually enjoyed running on those days." "Okay. Lets write down a few good memories you have about Christmas and Advent time." Maya nodded. "Baking cookies." Diane wrote it down. "Running in the snow when the sun is out." Diane nodded. "Hm.." "How about german christmas songs?" "Yeah." Maya nodded. "Do you speak german?" "No. My oma always wanted to teach us, but Lane was striktly against it, something about me being able to portait America. I don't know." "That was sad for your grandma, wasn't it?" "It was, i think. I don't remember i was so little." "How about the stories your grandma used to read to you." Maya nodded.

She was silent for some time. "I miss Mason." She blurted out. "Your brother?" "Mhm. I want to find him, but i don't even know if he is still alive and i don't think i could take it if he isn't." "I am sure your brother would love to talk to you again." "Last time i talked to him, he was not very fond of me. But i don't even know how to find him." Maya sighed. "Can we talk about it another day. It makes me sad." "Okay." Diane chuckled.

"Okay now its going to be a little harder. What was the first bad memory of Christmas?" "Uff. Probably when Lane wouldn't let me eat the cookies, we baked. He yelled so loud." Maya sighed. "My grandma would sneak me some when Lane wouldn't let me have them and when he found out he yelled. Oh my god. I think i was five. I was terrified." "Alright. I can see how that worsens your relationship with food." "Oh yeah. Well that was just the start of that."

"I know we already talked about it. Can you remember something else, please know i don't want to torture you. This has a point."

"Okay. Mhm. The worst thing i connect to christmas, i remember was probably when i was like 13 or 14. We had like a wintertournament at school. We got different little games  and for each game won you got points and in the end the one with the most points won." "And you didn't win?" "No i did. But out of the 13 little games i only won 11. The other two i got second." "Lane yelled?" Diane wrote it down. "No. We had this advent wreath which is like a circle thingy with pinebrances and four candles, one for each sunday before Christmas and i think two were on. Lane held my hand into the flame. 'this is for the first game lost.' Then he moved it to the other flame. 'and this for the second. Let that be a warning, olympions never slack like that and that' he took my medal. 'you didn't deserve that. You are a looser. You are nothing and i want you to remember that when you see those blisters. You are less valuable than the fluid in those blisters."

Maya was starring, her face scrunched up in pain. "Maya?" Diane sensed something was wrong. "Maya can you hear me?" "Stop dad. Please. Stop. It hurts. Don't" Maya started to yell she held her hand to her chest. "Maya its okay. He is not her." "I promise i'll be better. I will practice and i will not disapoint anymore. Please don't hurt me." The wimper broke Dianes heart. She kneeled infront of Maya. "Maya. Come on. Come back to me. Its okay. You are save. I'm calling Carina." Maya cryed and curled herself up in her chair. "It hurts. Help me." She was still caught in her PTSD attack. "i'll get you something to cool it. Don't worry you are save now. Its all okay." Diane went over to the fridge and got a cooling pad out. "Here you go. Ah hi Dr. Deluca. Do you mind picking up Maya? She has had a PTSD attack."

"Bambina. Hey. Hey." Carina pushed the hair out of Mayas sweaty face. "I'm okay. It wasn't real. My hand is fine. It wasn't real." Still Maya was shaking like a leaf. "Its okay." Carina wrapped her arms around her wife. "We did some work on memorys of christmas. It seemed to have triggered something. I am so sorry. Still we found some good things and i want you to try and encorporate those into your advent and christmastime. If possible." Carina read the paper. "Absolutly." "Would you like that, Maya?" "I don't understand?" Her voice was weak and scratchy from screaming. "Try to make some good christmas memories. Like singing songs, baking cookies and eating them. Reading stories. Taking walks in the snow, and lighting an Advent wreath without being burned. Maybe combine the Advent wreath with songs or cuddles and change the was you look at christmas." "I would like that." Carina nodded. "Than thats what we will do."