You are save with me

Chapter 10

TW: Pain, Panik attack, implied self harm, talking about suicidal intentions.

While Maya was sleeping Carina was wide awake. She went through every aspect of what Maya had told her. She went through every word, thought about every sentence. It was so much. She couldn't  breathe.  She slowly undid Mayas grab on her shirt and slid out under her. Then she made her way into the kitchen where she slid down the wall. Everything was spinning. She cryed and tryed not to sob to loudly, to not wakeup Maya. When she had calmed down a little she looked up. The moon iluminated the kitchen and suddely her gaze was drawn to all the sharp objects. All the scissors and all the knifes. Everything seemed to be mocking her. She quickly got up and collected everything even remotely sharp and put it in an old shoebox. Then she went to the bathroom and collected every single thing Maya could possible use to hurt herself. She was breathing heavily when she held the box close to herself and slid down the bathroom door all sweaty and paniky. Maya was still sleeping peacefully and a tear ran down Carinas cheak when she thought of her sweet Maya hurting so badly. She looked at the box and thought now what?  She shoved it into her closet and trew her hoodie and a few other peaces of clothing over it. Then she went back to bed. She could feel her own mental health slipping and wondered what her therapist would tell her. 'Lean on your people!' So she grabbed her phone and texted Amelia.

When Carina woke up, Maya was awake but still in bed. She was staring at the cealing. "Bongiorno, how long have you been up?" "A while." Maya sighed. "Maya, I love you so much and I will be back tonight, but I am going to Amelias today." "You are leaving me?" Her voice was quiet and sounded so broken. "No, Bambina. I am going to Amelias to take care of my mental health, so I can help you better. I promise I will be back home tonight." "Okay. I love you."

"And I asked Andy to come over." "You told Andy?" Maya frowned. "No, I said you are sick and I don't want to leave you alone." "Okay." "But Bambina. Andy is your best friend. You should consider telling her. The team surely would support you. They care about you. " "I've just gotten back to being friends with Andy, i'm not going to ruin it again." "Just think about it." "I will."

Carina got dressed and tryed not to worry to much about Maya. Her back hurt and so she threw back some Ibuprofen. Then she remember that she put all the knifes away and if Andy needed one she would start to ask questions. Slowly Carina picked up the box and went back into the kitchen. She quickly put back all the knifes and scissors and made Maya breakfast. She herself couldn't stomach anything right now.

"Andy is in the livingroom. I made you some Oatmeal for breakfast. And there is lasangna and soup I the fridge. Just eat what you want, but please eat something." Carina kissed Mayas forehead. "Travis is comming over this afternoon aswell. He wants to show Andy his favorite Musical Films, maybe you can join them." Maya just nodded. "Bye. See you tonight." Carina said. Maya just nodded again.

She rang the bell at Amelias and when the brunette opend the door Carina couldn't hold back the tears.
She was sobbing and Amelia wrapped her arms around her friend. "Hey. Its going to be okay." She guided the Italian to the couch and let her sit. Carina was now starting to hyperventilate and while Amelia was a big believer in a good cry, this was not good anymore. "Carina, can you look at me?" Sobbs ragged through her body. "Okay. Can you take a deep breath?" Carina shook her head unable to speak. She clawed at her throat until Amelia took her hands into hers. "Look at me. Okay. It will be okay. Now. In... Out..." She went through different breathing exercices with her and after a while Carina calmed down.

After a while Carina silently cryed in Amelias arms. When suddely hot pain shot up her back and she winced. " Whats wrong?" Amelia asked. "My back is sore. I.. I had a 24 hour shift that turned into a 30 hour shift and a 7 hour surgery and then I got called to pick up Maya and.... I..  she ..." her breathing quickend again. "Hey. Hey. Carina. Breathe. Its okay." Carina nodded and took a deep breath."Do you want a heatingpad or some ibuprofen?" "I already had some this morning. Its just tense. But a heatingpad sounds nice." "I could also give you a Massage." Amelia suggested and Carina laughed slightly. "Hey. Maya is not here to get jelouse and while I did have a major chrush on you once, I am now happy and way to afraid of firefighter Barbie." "Thank you Amelia, but its okay." "Good. I will get you a glass of water and a heatingpad. Then we talk."

Amelia settled next to Carina so the Italian could sit comfortably but also be comforted by her best friend.

"Maya is suicidal." Carina blurted out. "Actively?" "I don't know. Maybe. She has a history of selfharm and she has thought of diing since she was twelve, but her Dad made her feel as if only loosers kill themselves. And loosers aren't worth of love or food or sleep or anything. So she wished for a car accident or something. I don't know why her mental health is spiraling again. Maybe because she realized love is supposed to be unconditional or I don't know, but she had a PTSD episode about two weeks ago. After she had a meeting with Dixon. She saw things that weren't there. She saw the people that her father made appointments with. They would sponser her running careere in exchange for raping her. She was really terrified. After that she started cutting again. She says its because when she cuts the voices telling her to kill herself quiet down. They tell her that she is a bad Captain and that the people she lost in the fires deserved life more than her and she should just lay down in the flames." "Did she ever actively try to do it?" Carina shrugged. "She said when they came home from the call yesterday where they lost a lot of victims, and the bell rang again just after they were back, Maya thought of it as a chance to give in and step into the flames. When it was an aidcar call she was dissapointed for a moment and then relieved, she turned to cutting in the shower. She had and Appointment with Diane and she was still bleeding so Diane called me. She had to get stitches." "Is she home alone?" "No! She is with Andy, although Andy doesn't know how bad it is. I feel like I need to do something but what?" "Do you thing she is activly a danger to herself?" "She told me she is fine. But this morning she would barely look at me. She was in bed and she was nearly catonic. It was like talking to a shell of her." Amelia wrapped her arms around Carina. "I'm so sorry. You did the right thing in comming to me. If you burn out it doesn't help her either. She needs you, but she also needs professional help and maybe some form of medication. Or EMDR Therapy." "I am almost certain she has PTSD, Maybe that would help her." "If you think she is in serious danger, you take her to the ER." Carina sobbed. Getting help is not weak. She might not see it in that moment, but she needs you to be strong and follow through." "I don't know if I can..." Carinas voice was quiet. "Than you call me or Teddy. We will help you. Bailey will have a bed for her ready in no time, so she doesn't have to wait hours in the ER." "Thank you so much." Carina sobbed again. "Always Carina." "I am good at treating people with mental health issues, but it is so hard. Why do I always have to do the fixing?" "You don't. Okay, you don't need to fix Maya. You just need to love her and support her and hold her, and you also need to take care of yourself. Which is why you are going to take a nap now." "Its okay, I need to get home." "No. You are going to take a nap. I will give you something to sleep. And you will sleep. You look exhausted." "Okay."