You are save with me

Chapter 14

Carina woke up with a groan. She felt cold, but Maya was clinging to her an warming her. It hadn't happend in so long and Carina was just glad. She cuddled closer but decided to get up and ready since she had a lot to do today and wanted to go to bed early to be ready for her 24h shift tomorrow at 6am. She got dressed in a pair of Jeans a shirt and a sweater and made herself some coffee. She decided on some simple cornflakes for breakfast and made two bowls with a little bid of fruit, cereal and oatmilk. She picked up the two cup of coffee and the two bowls and went their bedroom.

"Hey Bambina. Its time to wake up." "No..." Maya groaned. "I thought we could have breakfast in bed, before we look what has been destroid in my Apartment." Maya sighed. She took the coffee and sat up. "Thank you." "Prego." Carina said and smiled.

Mayas car was bigger and after a quick argument, who got to drive, they left to Carinas Apartment. Carina drove them down the streets to her apartment.

"Oh my god." Carina sighed. The floor was mushy and the walls were stained up to 3 feet from the floor. It smelled disgusting. "What the hell happend?" Maya asked. "Apparently the back flow lid broke and all the sewage water flew back up and out the drains." "Disgusting." Maya pulled up her nose. Carina nodded. She stepped in and opend her window. The Apartment was tiny. It had one room, with a bed, a closet, a table, two chairs a few shelves and a tiny kitchenet. The bathroom was okay sized. It had a bathtub-shower combination, a toilet, a cabinet and a sink. There was no window in the bathroom, which only contributed to the smell.

The landlord had offered them to leave all the broken stuff in the room and because the bed was not repearable Carina decided to just throw everything on the bed. Maya held an ikea bag open for her and Carina put all the clothes, book, sheets, blankets, cuttlery, bowls, plates, and all the things not damaged by the water and dirt. In the end they filled two big ikea bags. Which was not much, but luckly a lot of stuff was at Mayas. "Maya?" Carina asked. Maya was leaning on the door her eyes closed. "Hey, bambina are you okay?" "I'm so increadibly tired." "I'm sorry, Bella. But ehm i wanted to ask you something... I've been thinking. I am almost always at your apartment and and the housing market is terrible. I mean look at my appartment and i am a doctor..." "Carina. Stop of course you are going to move in with me. I'd love to have you." "Yes?" "Yes. Wait wait. Carina Deluca, will you move in with me?" "Yes. I will."

The packed everything in the car and then sat in their seats. "So. We have about one and a half hours until your appointment. We could go home." Carina stopped, a slight smile, which she hadn't seen on Maya for so long. "What?" "You called it home?" "Si, bella. Home." "But i'd rather get something to eat. What would you like?" "I'm not hungry." "Bella?" Maya sighed. "I feel like i don't deserve it, because i don't work out and i am just laying around." "But Bella, you are allowed to rest and heal. And eating right is so important in that." "I know. Its just hard." "Okay. Close your eyes. Picture 5 year old Maya." "Why?" "Just do it?" "Okay?" "Tell me what is the first thing you think of when i ask you to think of 5year old Maya." Maya sighed. "I burned my hand and Lane slapped my mom." "Okay. Tell me more." "Mason was crying and my mom picked him up. The pasta was done cooking, so i wanted to pour the water out, but is spilled it over my hand. It hurt so bad. My mom held it under cold water, but when my dad noticed he slapped my mom across the face." Tears ran down Mayas face. "He yelled at me. Go to your room." I did and i saw him push my mom, who still had Mason in her arms. Then i heard the door close and my dads car drove away. My mom came and took me to the ER. But before we went in she pulled me to the side. 'Maya. Promise me you don't tell them what happened with daddy. Its a secret. Okay. Don't tell them daddy got mad.' I did. I didn't tell anyone. I didn't say anything." "I'm so sorry, Maya. Okay. Now imagine 34 year old you now, going up to 5 year old you. Saying 'you have been so brave today. You can pick anything you want to have? What would Maya have wanted?" Maya sobbed. "I would have wanted to sleep on my moms lap like Mason did that night. She held him and stroked his back. I wanted that." Maya was now full on crying. "Okay. Okay. Breathe. Good. I love you Maya. You are so worthy of love okay?" Maya nodded. "Its nice outside. How about we go to the park next to the office and get some sandwiches from the Dehli there. They are really good and then we sit on one of those blankets and i am going to hold you?" "Yes." Maya said. She sounded so small. "Okay."

"What would you like?" "Ehmm. I... I..." "How about we get the same? I always get a ham and cheese sandwich and a bottle of water?" "Yes." Maya nodded, but kept looking at the milkshake display. "Carina?" "Yes?" "The 5 year old Maya would want a milkshake. Chocolate milkshake. It was my favorite , when i was little." "Then thats what we will get aswell." Carina smiled.

Maya held her Milkshake with both hands. She felt like it would disappear if she didn't keep her eyes on it at all times. Also she just wanted to throw it away. It was heavy in her hand and cold and it felt as if it was screaming all the callories at her. Maya could feel herself gaining weight just from looking at it.
"Come here, Bambina." Carina had spread the blanket out and sat down under a tree. "Sit." She said and patted in between her legs. Maya took place sideways, so her legs were over Carinas left leg and she leaned her side onto Carinas front. "Do you want to try it?" Maya shook her head. "It... I can't... No." " How about we start with the water?" Maya nodded. "Three big sips." Carina instructed opening her own bottle. They drank and Carina stroked Mayas back. "Good. Now the Sandwich?" "Carina....." "Its okay. Just take it in your hand. We will take a bite together. Are you ready?" "No, Carina. I'm nauseous. It will make me sick." Carina took the sandwich and put it back in the bag. She cradled Maya and said. "I know, Bella. I so know what you are going through okay, I've been there. It gets better, it gets easier. I know tricks and I can help you.." suddely Maya jumped up. "I'm so sorry. I forgot that you.... and now I triggered you... I didn't think about it... god I.. 'm so stupid." She clawed at her throat, willing more air to get in. Carina recognized the signs of a panikattack and got up as well. "Maya. Maya? Okay. It's okay. I got you. Its a panikattack. Everything is fine. I am fine. Okay, I am doing great and I love that I can help you with that. I feel so helpless all of the time, but this I can help you with. This is something i know. I know exactly how you feel. Breathe good." Carina pulled Maya back down into their previous position. She held her and rocked her back and forth.

"Want to try again?" Carina asked after ten minutes. Maya nodded. Carina gave her a piece and took one herself. " Allright. One two three."Carina counted down and the both took a bite. Maya gaged silightly but managed to swallow it. "Good. Again? " She nodded.
It took them a little while but Maya managed to eat the entire half of the sandwich. Carina praised her and held her.

"I don't think I can try the milkshake now. " Maya wispered. "Thats okay. I am already so proud." "How long until my appointment?" "half an hour. Close your eyes. i'm here, Bella." "I love you." Maya said and cuddled into Carinas embrace.