You are save with me

Chapter 9

Tw: selfharm, death, Suicide thoughts big trigger warning. I was not in a good place when i wrote this and i don't want to pull anyone down.

Maya however started to spiral more and more. Every loss at work hit her hard, every building burned down made her feel like a looser. Her fathers voice in her head screamed at her. Her three year old self yelled at her to stop loosing. She felt like she was being suffercated. So she turned to cutting. When she was a teenager the only place her father couldn't see when he weighed her every day, was her upperthighs and her chest as she wore running shorts and a sportsbra. So that was were she used to cut. Now she had more options, because she could keep it covered.

Wednesday was a particular rough call. It has been two weeks after Maya and Carina had the talk and Maya had started therapy. But so far the only thing stopping Maya from going insane, was cutting. She hated it and she hated herself for doing it, but it was better than laying down in the flames, right? On that Wednesday they were called to a housefire. When they arrived the structure was pretty much gone. The entire family died, the parents, the two kids, the grandparents, everyone except the mothers sister. From talking to her Maya could tell she was somewhat developmentaly delayed or learning disabled. She was horrified and Mayas heart broke just from watching her. When they got back to the station their shift was over, but Maya quickly hid in the captains bathroom and took a shower. With the razor blades, she had hid behind her cabinet she cut into her stomach. She cut 6 times for the six lifes lost. It hurt, but it also made the emotional pain hurt a notch less. Maya could deal with physical pain, but emotional
was something she didn't like. And she had lost, she deserved punishment. That was right. She put some gauze over and put on her clothes then she walked the two blocks to Dianes office.

"Hi Maya." "Hi." "How are you doing today?" "I'm okay." Maya quickly said and sat down. The cuts were much deeper than the last ones. They hurt and Maya knew they were still bleeding. She tryed her hardest not to show it, but the pain was making her nauseous and dizzy. "Whats wrong?" "Nothing. Just tired didn't get much sleep." Maya pressed out. "Did you get hurt on a call?" "No." Maya said breathing through her nose. Diane sighed. "Maya you are bleeding through your shirt. What is going on?" Maya lifted her shirt. Diane stood up and took off the gauze. "Did you do them yourself?" Diane asked. Maya didn't look at her, but nodded. "You need stitches." "I don't want to go to the hospital." "Would you like to call Carina to do the stitches?" "No. I don't want to go to the hospital, because then she'll know." "Why don't you want her to know?" "I'm broken, Diane. I am so broken and Carina has had this hardship in her life and she isn't. I don't want to pull her down. She is happy and light and lovely and i am dark and messy and i have issues." "Yes, but you are working on them. Now that you told me these issues, we can work on finding methods to help you." "But Carina will be mad." "She will find out eventually." Maya wiped her tears away. "If you could have someone here to hold you and help you, who would it be?" "Carina. I love her. I want her with me." "Okay. Give her a call."

"Bambina, whats wrong?" "I'm so sorry, Carina." "What happened?" "Dr. Deluca, why don't you sit down?" "Maya, do you want to tell her yourself or do you want me to tell her?" "Carina, i cut again." Maya sobbed out. "Or more i didn't stop cutting after i did a few weeks ago." "Oh Bella." Carina had thought that something was up, but it broke her heart nonetherless. "I am so sorry." "Maya there is nothing to be sorry for. Its okay, bambina." "It hurts." Maya was sobbing now. Carina pulled her into a soft hug. "Can you tell me what triggered you to cut?" "I am a bad Captain. I loose victims and houses and today i lost six people." "Oh bella." Carina couldn't think of anything to say. Diane pulled a laptop up. She typed something in. "Are you going to have me comitted?" Maya asked angrily, but Carina could tell she was much more scared than angry. "No. Not if i can trust you to not hurt yourself until i see you again in two days. I wanted to show you something."

Maya nodded. "Okay. Look here is the chart of how many victims have been lost by each station. 19 is the one with the least people dead." "But look 88 had more incidents. That is not a fair comparison." Diane sighed. "Look. 19 might not have the most incidents, actually in your district you have the second least incidents, but look at all the proactive messures you do." "We are top there." "Yes. You do so much that your people are save." "But why do i still loose people?" "Because thats the job. You can not save everyone. I don't know what happened today, but i read the protocoll papers on mondays car pile up." "2 dead, 4 injured and 3 cars totaled." Maya rattled down. "Okay, but both of those people were already dead when you arrived. There was nothing you could have done." "We could have been faster." "The police report said, they were dead on impact." "Still..." "No Maya, i know its tough, but look at those people, you saved. All of the four are already out of the hospital and two more where not injured at all." Maya sighed. "Okay. Diane. I'm sorry, but i need Maya to get stitches. She is still bleeding more than i like and i don't want the cuts to get infected." " I agree. Maya. Are you sure, you can go until friday without hurting yourself?" "Yes." Maya said sadly. Diane nodded. "If anything happens call me." Maya nodded.

On the way home Carina picked up a suture kit and then went home. "Alright Bambina. Lay down." Carina lifted the shirt. New tears ran down Mayas cheaks. "You say stop. I stop okay?" Maya nodded. "Can i take your pants off too? I know you cut there aswell." "I didn't today." "Okay. But you have?" "Yes." "Can i take a look?" "Yes." Carina carefully took off the pants and checked out the cuts.  Before she attended to Mayas thighs she injected some lidocine in Mayas stomach. She put butterfly closures on the deeper ones on her thighes and wrapped a soft bandage around it. When the anestetic worked she started stitching up the cuts on her stomach.

When she was done, she put some PJ bottoms on Maya and a big T-Shirt to not agrivate the cuts. She dressed herself in her croptop and long PJ-pants. Then she cuddled up to Maya. "Carina?" "Hm?" "You said you aren't mad. But you why? I don't get it." " Oh Bella. I am so mad. But not at you. You did nothing wrong. You have trauma and you never learned to cope with negative emotiones in a healthy way. I am mad at your father and your mother. Furious actually. I am mad at every person ever laying hands on you. I am mad at everyone watching you being abused, every teacher, every coach, every physio or who took care of your team. I am so so mad at the men raping you, Maya. I am so mad. But not at all at you. It is all their fault not yours. Not yours, Bambina." Maya was still crying softly in Carinas arms. Carina hugged her and wispered to her. "Andra tutto bene."

Maya sighed."Do you know why i cut?" "No,bella. But.." "I do it because it makes the voices, telling me to kill myself, stop." Carina tryed not to gasp. She was so scared. "When we came home from the call today, the voices in my head told me, i should be dead. I deserved it, they didn't. They told me, i am a waste of space and when we came back and the klaxon sounded again, right when we drove through the barn doors, i thought perfect, not i will go in take off my oxygen and then i can rest. And every persons life will be better. I thought that just for a second. It was just an Aidcar call and for a second i felt sad, and then relieved. I don't want to die. But i also can't keep living like this."  "I'm glad you told me. Have you felt this way before?" "I think of diing since i was 12, i stopped thinking of suicide when my father ranted about people how do it. He called them selfish and ignorant and loosers. If i didn't want one thing, it was Lane thinking i'm a looser. I just thought an accident or a plane crash, at best something where my dad died aswell." Carina wrapped her arms tighter around Maya. Her sweet warm Maya with a beating heart. Carina felt it and it was the best feeling. "I love you. And i don't know what i would do without you. Okay. Remember that." Maya nodded and snuggled into her girlfriend. "Before you sleep, can you look at me?" "Can i trust you to keep yourself save tonight?" "Yes. I feel better, but i think i need to take a few days off work." "I think thats a good idea." "I love you, too." Carina smiled. "Sleep, Bella." And after a few minutes only, Mayas breath was deep and slow.

AN: I just wrote a super cute fluffy chapter that will come in the future. I am so excited. So just hang in there it will get better.