You are save with me

Chapter 8

TW: Talk about Cancer, ED, Suizide, Abuse

"When i was two years and about two months old i got diagnosed with Hodgins Lymphoma, Cancer. This is all the stuff about that. I was a toddler and thankfully i don't remember much, just that it sucked. I had chemo and radiation and it was terrible. Especially for my parents. My father had just done his boards like half a year before and my mom wanted to start trying for another child to have me and my sibling be close in age. But now they had to worry about their child surviving. There are a few pictures, but my parents didn't take many, because it was 1984 and they didn't want to. It sucked and i was deemed cancer free in 1987. Soon after my brother was born. I was so happy. Everything was going well. I got to start school with all the other kids and i still had rehab and frequent doctors visits, but i had a brother and i was better." "Wow. I didn't know." "Its okay. I don't remember much. When i was sick, my father was determined to find a cure. He is a general surgeon, so not Oncology. But this is probably were he had his first manic phase. But noone noticed, because they were fussing over me. I had almost died and when my dads research got cancled, he was so depressed he didn't visit me for almost two months. My mom told me it was because it was so painfull he couldn't help his daughter, but i think, i was the living reminder his research failed." Maya let out a sigh. "Because of my treatments we were little bid tight on money. Not poor. We had food and a nice house and everything, but if we wanted special toys or clothes we had to buy them ourselves and we didn't get allowance. So at nine years old i decided to get a job. I would sweep at a cafe in our street every day before school and i would earn money. I used the money to buy what Andrea wanted, because i thought, i was the reason we didn't have the money to get him things." "You had cancer, you surely didn't choose it." "No, but when my father was in his rageing moods, he would blame me. Ususally for not having the extra money." "That is so unfair." Carina nodded. "I always felt like i wasn't enough. When i was 14 i started counting calories, when i was 16 and my mom left, i didn't eat until i passed out. When i was 17 i got raped at a birthday party by the birthdaygirls uncle. It kind of started a downward spiral until i was 20. I had just started Uni, i took my fathers prescription pad and got pills and took them in my bathroom. My roommate saved me. She made me throw up and called an ambulance. I was at an inpatient treatment for more than half a year. I got better, but when i was in my second year of residency, my mom died and on top of that my father came to my hospital and the only thing he did was belittle me. Andrea hated me, because i told him to come home, because our mom is sick, when she was actually already dead. So i fell back in old habits. Counting callories, skipping meals. Until i went 30 hours without a drink, four days without food and working with next to no sleep. I colapsed. My heart stopped. I was saved again. I spent another four months in a psych clinic. And i was put on medication a bunch of different ones, until i found the ones that worked for me. And i went to therapy and i learned to avoid triggers. The only time i kind of fell back into my old habbits was when my father came to Grey Sloan with his research, but i managed to pull myself back out. I am 37 years old and i've almost died three times so far. I am broken, too."

Mayas heart broke. How come she hadn't seen Carinas pain and Trauma. "Why didn't you tell me about all of this?" "It still hurts to talk about." Carinas voice wavered. "I have been in continuous therapy for 17 years. I am doing better. My past still defines me and to this day i fall back on my old habits sometimes, but on most days i am the new person. But because i was at this low, my achievments are so much more valuable." Maya wanted to hug her girlfriend hold her and promise her she is now save, but she couldn't move. "I am so freaking proud of you." "Thank you, Bambina." Carina smiled a teary smile. Maya opened her arms for Carina to rest in, forgetting the fresh cuts, so when Carina layed down on her lap, she winced and hissed in pain. "Maya, whats wrong?" "Nothing." Maya quickly answerd. "Did you get hurt?" "No. Its okay." Carina sighed. She knew what Maya did. She could see the guilt in Mayas eyes. "Can i see?" Maya frowned. "Did you clean them? Put steril bandages on them?" Maya shook her head. "What did you use?" "A razor." Maya wispered a tear running down her cheak. Carinas heart broke and she started crying again aswell. "New?" "Farely." Maya said. Carina nodded. "Take off your pants." "No." "Maya, we need to clean them and properly bandage them." Carina got up to get some suplies. "Are you mad?" Maya wispered. It was almost like a little girl asking. "No. Not at you." Carina said and smiled. She helped Maya take her sweatpants off and chuckled at the use of pads. "that is smart." She said. "I know. I used it before." Carina sighed. She had thought so, seeing her scars but she wanted to be wrong. She wasn't.
She cleaned and properly bandaged them using some butterfly closures for the deeper cuts.

"I had just turned 18 when my father made the first appointment for me. He traded rich guys money for sex with me. He made me believe i wanted it too and it wasn't illegal i was 18 and i did want the money for my career, but now looking back at it, i was mostly scared of what my father would do if i refused." Maya said after a brief moment of silence. "That is why i don't like being in a room with men and why i always want the door open. And Dixon made me close it. I don't know, but it triggered me. I was anxious and when he left, i just blacked out. I don't even remember anything. Just that i was so terrified. So so terriefied. The next thing i know, is you holding me. And talking to me with the exercice." "I am so sorry, Maya." Carina said. "I am broken." Maya sobbed. "I...i don't know what to do." "You call the therapist." Maya nodded. Carina rubbed her back und Maya drew patterns on Carinas arm. "And i will do the same. I need a therapy appointment." She chuckled. "I'm sorry." Maya felt a sting in her stomach. "No. It is not your fault. None of this is your fault. I love you so much, Maya Bishop." "I love you, Carina Deluca."