Our Secret

Doubt

"No, please, please no," Yezun woke up abruptly. His reflexes were like those of an animal; he had better vision in the dark. He saw the figure in the bed, calling for help.

"Don't do it, you are hurt, don't leave me," Yezun rushed to Yunlan. He forgot that Yunlan often had nightmares. Yezun slowly slid under the duvet and lightly pressed Yunlan with his body. "I am here."

Yunlan didn't wake up, he said in his sleep. "Don't go, don't leave me."

"I will never leave."

"I love you, Shen Wei."

"You really love Shen Wei, I should be happy. I love you too."

Yunlan's body relaxed in Yezun's embrace, his frown disappeared. He went back to sleep. Yezun also slept beside Yunlan.

When Yunlan woke up, he felt fulfilled. The joy of being alive, being human, being existing, enlightened his heart. The bliss was beyond words. This type of pure joy of rest and sleep was so rare, it felt alien to him. He looked at the couch, only the blanket. Yezun was already up. That's good. He didn't have to see the ugly face first thing in the morning. He thought of the old days when he had seen Shen Wei's angelic face first thing in the morning, the days he lost. Then he saw beside him. Yezun! Why is he beside me? What have I done? In the end, I lost control. Yunlan pulled his blanket up. He touched his manhood. No... what a relief. He didn't do anything with Yezun. This bastard must have tried some tricks and obviously failed. He became proud of himself. He would be loyal to Wei, he always would be.

Yunlan roamed through the house. The sky was still gloomy, the sun might also hide today. He then went to the kitchen, made himself a cup of tea, he wanted some coffee but didn't find any, so tea was fine. After finishing his tea, he grabbed a thin jacket from the chair and started searching for the exit, went outside through the mudroom. The front of the house was hidden behind the tall, wild trees, protecting the house from view. Anyone from up or below couldn't possibly see the house.

 He was thinking of going uphill. The rain from the previous night made the ground unsettling. Yunlan couldn't make progress. The morning air was chilly; Yunlan didn't feel it until now, he had the warmth of the tea; it wore off and he thanked himself for bringing the jacket. He wore it, the synthetic fabric of its lining kissing the back of the neck, the comfortable heat hugging him, consuming him in another word. The jacket smelled like Shen Wei. Is it? The jacket smelled like Yezun from last night. Fresh, wild, sad, and loving. Did they smell the same? Then it is Yezun's jacket. He shouldn't be saying it, neither would he admit. The jacket felt just right. The smell of the owner of the jacket felt just right. Yezun's head on his shoulder had felt just right. The kiss on his lips given by Yezun felt just right. What if Yezun had demanded more? Wanted him on his bed? What had he been doing? Didn't he oblige every request Yezun made like a fucking slave, no matter how obscure the demand was? Yes, he did. That's what he didn't like about himself.

Zhao Yunlan, get a grip.

Yunlan climbed through the big trees, stepping on the slippery ground. His steps slipped on theslim like layer on the thick moss. This is not the correct approach to climbing a rain-washed muddy slope. Only a loser would choose it, and he wanted to lose. He wanted to feel some physical pain. A pain of destruction.

Shen Wei, I need you. I need you now, baby. For my sanity.

He sat on a loose rock, resting a bit before starting to descend downward. He had assumed climbing would be difficult, but in fact, climbing down was way more challenging. The slope wasn't that steep, but it was still physically demanding. He kept going down and down, wondering how far the house was. Fatigue set in as the anger flew off. He wanted to lie down. Loved. How far was Yezun? How far was his doom? The rain started pouring, cold sad water. He didn't lose track, did he?