Cold as Ice: The Heart of Stone

Chapter 9 - Tactics

It's been a couple of days since Beth's party fiasco whatever the fuck it was. I didn't go to recovery the next day, I should probably actually start going to them at some point. I did my own form of recovery at home again, which consisted of alot of running and boxing while I continued to block the world out. I know I have to train today which just fills me with dread. I know all the girls are fine with me or well...are acting fine with me but I like my new found routine of heading to the field and being the first one out doing my own thing, alone. It feels strange everyone being okay with me again, it's almost like: I can speak but every time I speak, I fear my voice is too loud so I don't want to. I listen to the walls for an echo every time I take a breath but i'm now surrounded by people to block out the silence. Something in me feels like I am not allowed this much existence—Like I am taking up space that does not belong to me. This universe is infinite, and still, I occupy too much of it.

—

I make myself a strong coffee hoping it will cure the fact I've not slept more than 3-4 hour a night because my mind won't rest. But who am I kidding, I need to be stuck by lightning or something because coffee isn't enough.

I wonder if I could survive if I shoved a fork in that plug socket?

—

"Morning Rori!" An arm is slung around my shoulder as soon as I step out the car. I instantly recognise the Aussie accent.

"Alright Stephy?" I smile.

"All the better for seeing your gorgeous face."

"Oh, you've made my day so much better already with that." I joke back grabbing my bag from the boot.

"Sooo..."

"Sooo...?"

"How have you been? since you know...Beth's?"

Now I like Steph, she never treated me badly when I returned, she was the first to offer me a hug and she did try and talk to me before I cut conversations short. If there was one person I feel I can talk to other than Beth, it's her...but I just, can't.

"Yeah mate, I've been good... really good."

"Really?" She raises an eyebrow. I know she's not convinced, fuck. "Because you haven't answers a single text message. And, a little birdie told me you drive home?" She looks at me unimpressed almost motherly which is strange considering she is only three years older than me.

I look down at my body and gesture with my hands, "Didn't die, did I?"

"Not the point Rori, you know better to be doing stupid stuff like that."

I do know I shouldn't have, and I maybe was swerving all over the road, but it was late and the roads were clear, so I didn't kill anyone including myself.

I choose not to speak in this moment as we walk in together. I can't lie, I blocked out Stephs lecture talk. We head through the canteen now just chatting about upcoming games when I go to grab my usual coffee and an apple. Most of the girls are already here on various tables dotted around.

"Morning!" Echos through in different voices as Steph says morning back. I just smile. I'm not used to them talking to me and for a brief moment I forgot they were addressing both of us.

Steph grabs her usual morning protein yogurt and some fruit. I begin to head towards the door.

"Stoney where are you going?"

I look up with my apple hanging loosely out of my mouth, Katie is calling me over to the table. I gingerly walk over but don't take a seat.

"Joining us?" She says pointing to the free seat next to her with a smile. I look at the table with everyone nodding at me to sit. Leah happens to be on this table, and I can't get a read on her. She smiles towards me and then looked back down at her breakfast but I don't know? I used to be able to read her like the back of my hand, and now...well I can't.