Cold as Ice: The Heart of Stone

Chapter 20 - Push the Buttons

"Seriously Beth just leave it!"

"No because something is wrong Rori! I don't like seeing you like this!"

"Just fucking leave it okay! Please! I'm fine. everything is fucking fine!"

There I go, taking everything out on the people who cares about me. I hate this. I have basically refused to go to training the last few days, not that I haven't been doing secret exercises which, without the witness of an Aresnal training coach, I shouldn't be doing. But regardless I've been weight training secretly in Beth and Viv garden gym and doing some heavy bouts of cardio. Usually I do run to take my mind of things and with my mind in some sort of sprial I'm running a lot which isn't good for me really but I don't care. Sometimes it hurts my ribs sometimes it doesn't, but again, I don't care.

I even ran to the hospital to see Chris yesterday, 5 miles there and 5 miles back. For me, it was worth the amount I offloaded in a rant even if i got nothing in return but there is no denying I'm not doing my body any good, I'm exhausted.

Today is one of those days where I know I have to bite the bullet and actually train as Jonas is hot on my arse for my recovery to begin. Beth tried to talk with me before hand but I just shut it right down like I've been doing with every conversation. Mostly I've been confined to the four walls of the spare room stuck in my own head. I was rude, I admit that but I really don't want to talk to anyone especially about my current feelings. I can't even try and plaster a smile on my face anymore, I'm done.

"Are you coming with u—"

I slam the door shut and head out of the door solo to my car. I hate how I'm being with Beth but I can't help it. We always go as a three to training but I'm not good company right now and I will snap at the slightest thing so I think it's just better for everyone if I keep my distance.

While I drive to the training centre I can't help the grip I had on the steering wheel that turns my knuckles white. I think for the most part I'm making it worse on myself because I keep replying ridiculous scenarios in my head that I'm sure are irrational but could equally very possible.

How can she turn me down to be with her ex? my god that smuging grin on Jordan's face! Given the chance I would maybe rip her throat out, seriously.

I know what I've done in the past and so does Leah. I thought we was actually moving forward with that and in a good place? or was that all just because I was laying sick on a hospital bed? Surely this isn't all because I politely declined to stay at hers—with reason? I don't even want to think about what could have possibly happened with them two. Realistically, as it stands me and Leah aren't anything right now no matter my desire. She is free to do as she pleases and I'm in no way going to stop her if she's happy doing whatever she is doing. That being said, it doesn't mean it is any easier on me.

Not one text, not one text to see if I'm okay or anything. Amanda even texts me everyday and she doesn't. Nothing makes sence to me anymore and by this point I'm just convinced I'm living in some sort of fucked of Sim simulation where a teenager is controlling the buttons of my life—if that is the case, put me in a swimming pool and build a fence around it, please, put me out of my misery.

I swing into a space taking a deep breath. The amount of strength it took for me to peel my arse off the comfort of my car seat was immense. Eventually I do it and grab my bag ready for what's probably another shit day.

I don't go through to the canteen to get my apple and coffee. I don't want them. I head straight to physio.

I open the door and am met with Julie, one of the more cheery physio's. "Rori! you're early? Oh my god—how are you feeling? how have you been?"