Cold as Ice: The Heart of Stone

Chapter 26 - Truth's

The weeks that followed, were strange for me. The same night I dropped Viv and Beth off, I got a text from Amanda asking for a lift as Leah was wankered beyond comprehension. Her family decided they were staying at Leah's to make sure she was okay and also to avoid the hour long uber home so I couldn't not go and get them. I obviously decided not to stay because after what Holly said, how could I?

Amanda questioned if I was okay to which I maintained I was as best I could. Even though I had a lot left to say, I would rather choke on my words in scilence, than allow anyone to see
me in any state of vulnerability in that moment.

Holly sat in the back looking guilty as ever cling onto Leah who was asleep, completly out of it. I gave Leah's car keys to Amanda and decided to walk home, just like that I walked. To my actual house, not Beth and Viv's, mine. The 3am cold air seemed to hit different as my mind spiralled in a different kind of bad.

I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone, but that probably wasn't the best thing for me at the end of the day.

—

I sort of went back inside myself. I withdrew slightly but little by little so it wasn't extremely obvious I wasn't okay. I didn't want too, I just didn't feel like talking and plastering in a fake smile, I really couldn't be bothered.

Everytime time my mood drops, it's like I can hear everyone around me sigh in a silent exasperated sigh of, "not again."

I promise, I'm just as sick and tired of it. There is no beautiful way to explain how fucked up I really am. Maybe I'm just tired of pretending now.

I don't know if anyone understands how hard it is to begin anything new with all of yesterday in me.

Love really can ruin a person.

I'm just, tired.

—

In terms of Arsenal, we played a few games and won them all. I was finally cleared to play again—fully which is probably the only thing that's made me happy I guess. When I was playing I would say I played well considering I have not a lot of ambition. I scored 2 goals and managed to get 3 assists in the two matches I played. There is only a couple more games of the season until we can finally have a break before pre season starts which will be tough to say the least, at least I can try and focus on hopefully making the internationals. I'll leave out the part where I'm getting slight rib pain every so often but I'm pretty sure that's normal, I do have metal plates in them after all.

On top of all of it, as much as I hate to say it, I don't think we have done enough to beat Chelsea this year which just infuriates me. I have a personal vendetta against Emma Hayes. She hates me, I hate her. It's mutual.

On the whole Leah front, that's where things have been...well other than pretty fucked, it's been really weird. Over the weeks, Leah had tried to talk to me. She was confused at my change and I feel awful because I have just shut her out and gave her nothing. It can't be nice for her but I really don't know what to do, I couldn't explain fuck all right now from my end that would make any sort of sense. I couldn't scream I love her in her face in the hope she gets the message. I will not give her the chance to remind me of the ways in which I am not special to her.

She's resorted to now, giving me space because she keeps her distance but I knew she didn't know why she was doing it, which just hurts because she think that's what I want when it's far from that. She would text me every so often, but she wasn't exactly herself either. Why it was strange for me is because it's a weird inbetween, like she smiles at me and makes small talk towards me in a group like we are okay but I made it so we wasn't okay? She won't speak to me on a 1-1 but then again I'm not doing that either. Oh, it's all just fucked.