Cold as Ice: The Heart of Stone

Chapter 35 - Selfish

Leah's POV

"Leah, babe?"

"Yeah? What's up?" I've come to hate that word, babe. I only really liked it when one person called me it.

"Want me to come over when training is done?"

"There is actually a girls night at Beth's, sorry." I smile sadly, grabbing my training bag.

"No worries, drop me a text whenever."

Riley, she's a nice girl and to be honest it's just been nice having her around. I know I have the girls but I see them day in day out and Riley, well she's like I say just...nice, I guess. It didn't so much happen by chance that we have gotten to know eachother as I was basically set up on a date by Grace, but I like where things are going at the moment, it's more of a casual thing but it's only been 2 weeks. Maybe, it could be something?

The day on the bus when Rori told me she would tell me everything felt like a lifetime ago, but really it was only nearly 2 months ago and you know what? To know I was going to get answers gave me hope. I knew whatever she has to say was going to make or break me...us.

Let's just say, when Beth told me...I was left with nothing but unanswered questions, confusion, anger and mild PTSD from the onslaught of nightmares that kept replying Rori not waking up and coughing blood of a coach full of the team. I read through that set of messages so many times, so many. I can't lie and say I didn't read other messages from Rori, even now I fight the urge to do so but if I do, I always smile and then end up hating myself for it. It's not like I am trying to forget Rori, it's more like deep down I am trying to forget that I love still love the girl.

The girl that is not even mine.

I love her humour.
I love her shitty jokes.
I love her smile.
I love her eyes.
I love her little freckles.
I love how she offered me jelly tots on the coach that day.
I love how kind her heart is even when seeming so cold.
I love how years ago she would set an alarm 5 minutes before we was due to get up just so she could cuddle me for those 300 seconds and think I wouldn't notice.
I love how she loves.
I...I fucking love, Rori.

And I fucking hate it.

But does any of it matter now? It might but I don't know what to do. Before all this, we was getting somewhere even with the shitty tiffs and now we are nowhere.

I can't explain how much of a slump I was in. It was horrible and simply something I never went to live again. Questions I wanted answering could never be, because Rori isn't wake up and she might never.

God, the thought just makes me wanna be sick.

Don't fucking think about it.

After some deep thinking and therapy sessions I have come to realise that I will always love Rori, but Rori isn't the one for me. She can't be the one for me.

I just feel so much guilt inside of me because of Rori. The smiles I wear during the day are a facade, concealing that guilt that festers within. Moving on was a necessity, a self-preserving act, but each moment of joy is tinged with the shadows of the past. When laughter echoes around me, I can't shake the feeling that I've betrayed the past, leaving behind fragments of a a person I once held dear.

The subtle warmth of a new connection only intensifies the chill of guilt that wraps around my heart. I catch myself glancing over my shoulder, expecting whispers of Rori that never come. The happiness I am finding in whatever it is, feels like a stolen treasure, and I find myself questioning whether I have the right to grasp it with everything going on.