Trust me, I'm okay. (Frerard)

Chapter Twenty-One: Will it Wash Away this Jet Black Feeling?

Frank's POV:
Gerard was sat on the couch sipping his coffee, as I walked towards him with my own mug and snuggled next to him.
"Your so pretty" I mumbled into his side.
"Not as pretty as you."
I looked up at him, gazing at his pale skin, his black hair making him seem even paler. I reached my hand up, cupping his cheek.
"I don't want you to leave.." he said as he placed his hand on mine.
"Only a few more months, and I'll come see you as much as possible." I said, trying to reassure not only him but myself.
"Ah shit, I have to get to work. Gabriel is gunna beat my ass.." Gerard said as he got up and placed his mug on the table.
"Want me to drive you back now? Or do you want to hang out here til I get home and I'll take you back later?"
"Gerard, what kind of-"
"I'll see you later then" he said smiling, kissing my forehead before stepping out the door.
I sat on the couch, suddenly lonely. As I wandered into the bedroom, I picked up my phone off the floor, checking for messages. A few from Brendon and Ryan were waiting on my screen.
Brendon: having fun?
Ryan: use protection ;)
Ryan: tell me how it's going? You a top or bottom?
I blushed, laughing at the messages typing out a quick response to Ryan.
To late. Top.
(ThATS RIGHT FRANK TOPS 2K15)
I proceeded to shove my phone into my pocket, making the bed, and picking clothes off the floor. As I opened the closet to put them away, I saw a small box tucked away on the shelf. Stretching up to grab it, my blood went cold as I realized what it was. My hands shook and my breath hitched as I pulled it off the shelf. I'd seen the box before-and I'd hoped I wouldn't have to see it again. I sat on the bed and opened the lid, finding the same bottle of pills, and a piece of notebook paper with Gerard's unmistakeable messy handwriting scrawled on it. It was the suicide note Mikey had found all those months ago.
"Mikey, your the best brother anybody could ask for. I love you so much... and I want you to know that when I'm gone. I want you to know that I love you and mom, and I don't want to hold you down and be a burden to you any longer. I don't want you to worry about me anymore, know this is not your fault, not moms fault, not anybody's fault. I just can't handle the pressure of life anymore..its to much Mikes. Your strong and independent, you don't need me. When I'm gone, just know that you are special, you are loved, you are my little brother and always love you.
-xog"
However, what I was not expecting to find on the back of that paper, was writing that looked significantly newer.
"Frank, I hope you never have to read this. I'm writing it anyways- so maybe one day when you move on you'll read it and remember me, and all the memories we had. I hope you find somebody else, somebody worthy of you. You were the best thing that ever happened to me, and I love you and this isn't your fault. I'm in so much pain.. pain nobody sees, pain nobody knows. I'm just sick and tired of living this same old life, I'm sick of me, seeing my stupid face in the mirror, seeing how fat I am, seeing how all I do is hurt the ones I love. I love you so much Frankie... I'll never forget you."
My heart practically stopped beating, my lungs stopped working, I couldn't comprehend anything anymore.
Gerard was going to kill himself.
My mind went into auto pilot as I shoved the box back onto its shelf, I dug through dresser drawers, kitchen and bathroom cabinets, his boxes of art supplies, anywhere that anything could be hidden. I found numerous bags of coke, weed, Xanax, I found booze, unlabeled pills, I took them all and set them on the coffee table, I then proceeded to sit on the couch, the note in my hand and tears on my face.
I don't know how long I sat there, I don't know what time it was, I could only hear the voice in my head repeating,
Gerard's going to kill himself. It's your fault. Your not good enough for him. Gerard's going to kill himself. It's your fault. Your never good enough. Gerard is going to kill himself.
My breathing shook as sobs racked my body. This was all my fault.
Gerard's POV:
I unlocked the door to the apartment, excited to know Frank was waiting for me on the other side, however what I walked in to was not expected.
I saw a wrecked Frank on the couch, and what had to be my complete stash of poisons.
"Frank.. baby what-"
"I'm so sorry.." he broke down in sobs and buried his head in his knees.
"Frank what happened?" I rushed over to him, sitting next to him and putting my arms around him. He sniffed and leaned into the hug, wiping his eyes.
"I found this.." he pulled the letter out of his pocket, handing it to me. My stomach dropped.
"Frank baby I wasn't going to-"
"That's what you told Mikey. That's what you told me.. if you weren't going to do it then why do you have all this? Why else would you do all these things..." He motioned to the table.
"Because I needed to forget. I didn't have you, all I had was the drugs and booze and it's like therapy for me."
He want ever meant to find any of this.. I was going to quit right when he moved in for good. I thought I wouldn't need it anymore.
"Then why did you write it." He said, his expression eventually going cold.
"Because.. I figured if anything happened, I didn't want to go without some way of telling you I love you and I always will."
"I'm sorry" he whimpered, looking down at his hands.
"For what? You didn't do anything, why are you sorry?"
"I'm not good enough."
"You are the best thing that's ever happened to me Frank. I love you so much more than anything, you are my everything. I couldn't live without you. I'm still here because of you."
A/N
HEY GUYS IM SORRY I'VE BEEN GONE FOR LIKE 277337282838 YEARS. I've been dealing with personal issues and writers block and school and shit, but now I'm on break so I have time to write! I'm sorry this chapter is short and it sucks, I'll update soon I have so many ideas now. but also, I saw system of a down last night, that was cool seeing my childhood favorite band live, and I'm seeing Frank again next Friday !!!
Love you all, thank you all for the amazing support and comments, I love you guys so much !!!! Hope you liked this chapter
-XØANG