The Things I Never Said [To You] | inksmoker

28.01.2022

I found myself still holding the anger and the pain that you gave me 4 years ago and I asked myself can I forgive you and answered I could not. I could not forgive you because you don't deserve it. You didn't deserve it. But today you gave me a reason to forgive you. I couldn't find it in myself to forgive you and I needed reasons and you finally gave me a reason to make me feel like my pain could be left in the past now. And I felt better knowing that you struggled to find me but couldn't, that you suffered because you felt bad about what you did and that you felt like crap because you couldn't do anything about it, and I felt better because you made me suffer and you made me feel like crap all those years ago and all that pain and anger became fresh even still when I recalled it. I didn't know that I wanted you to feel the extent of what I did until I learned that you went through that, out of your regret.

But you'll never really know how my pain felt how heartbreak felt until it actually happens to you. You only suffered the amount that someone with regrets suffers. Does that make me a bad person? The fact that I liked that you suffered for what you did. That you made me so angry, so upset and I became this person with so much hatred inside of me because of you. And I hated you. I did. Because I didn't deserve what you did and I deserved better and you were a terrible person for me because you didn't deserve my kindness.

But I feel lighter after you apologised because I realise you're not a terrible person to me now. I couldn't make myself at peace with the part of my life that included you, but you asked me to forgive you and I did because you suffered for forgiveness and felt like crap so you COULD have forgiveness. So I forgave you because that was the right thing to do for both you and for me. I will remember you are not the same as you used to be, you have become a better person now and you paid your dues for what you did, so you would never repeat that again. You deserve to love someone and be loved like all of us. I will no longer think of you as a bad person and I will no longer think of the pain you left me in, but I will pray that you get all the good that is meant for you.