The Things I Never Said [To You] | inksmoker

06/02/2022

I have an insecurity. It eats me from the inside, when I never thought there was still anything that could eat me up. Once I started healing from everything that hurt, I thought everything negative I held was now old news and I had become my best self. But now I start to see my insecurity flashing in front of me and I can't get away... I have to confront it and it's scary what I learn. 

I strongly feel if I don't meet the expectations that my loved ones have of me, it means I am lacking and that means I've failed in carrying out my role and responsibility well. It means I have failed in my relationship with them. If I'm lacking because I'm not meeting my parents expectations, I feared that meant I've failed in being a good daughter. If I'm lacking because I haven't met the expectations of my friends, I feared that meant I've failed in being a good friend for them. 

But I have been trying to see the opposite to this... they were my fears and are my insecurity but I feel these only when everything around me, surrounding that relationship is bad. That's when my insecurity starts to show and recently, it has been amplifying but that does not mean it is true. It is not true. 

I tell myself, if I feel I am not the best daughter or the best friend as I've strived to be, it does NOT mean I have failed. I am not lacking, things are just bad right now. 

Because how can you fail when you've done your best?