The Things I Never Said [To You] | inksmoker

30/12/23

I knew we would speak again
But I honestly thought it would be far into the future
Where I would talk to him as if there hadn't been any pain,
Where I would feel
as though I hadn't felt the pain
Of having loved a man so much,
And of him having left me feeling so abandoned, almost

I didn't think he would come back into my life so soon
But now that he calls out to me
Wanting to know how I am,
I don't know what to talk to him about
I don't even know what I want to hear from him
I just... don't understand why now

I want to know what he wants to say,
If there is anything he says
Yet it feels safer to keep away
I dont think I want to speak at all,
Because I still sometimes question if my pain made a difference to him
My heart still thinks of him sometimes
Even when he was away
It hasn't been easy to forget the pain

I don't think he is the same as the one who loved me,
The man I loved
I expect him to be changed
But the thought lingers in my mind what if he still loves me like he used to...
Somewhere deep inside
What if in his heart, he still has it in him to love me like he first ever did?
I'm scared to find out if he is the same
Because I have gone through so much turmoil to give some sort of ease to my heart after he left,
I've struggled so much to feel back in control of the emotions I feel

If he is the same
I will be different,
That will be another kind of
Hopeless circumstance binding us together
That will feel as if experiencing separation again

But so much has changed
How could he be the same
Indeed, doubt gets the better of me
Because innocent, pure love like he had for me
Can no longer be found in a man who has loved more than once
And I am not foolish to put myself in harms way and open my doors to a man I loved so much
I know how many months I suffered
Trying to accept that there is a joyful life without him

I cannot fall back
I cannot
Be foolish

But I wonder if I took the risk
And I let you in,
And you showed me that you weren't the same
You showed me
How different you had become to the man who I loved...
Would that pain I confront myself with
Be enough for me to never think of you again?