The Things I Never Said [To You] | inksmoker

15/08/2017​​-​02:27AM, A​​ ​​f​​ ​​r​​ ​​a​​ ​​i​​ ​​d

I'm​​ ​​afraid​​ ​​to​​ ​​say​​ ​​your​​ ​​name//​​ ​​hell​​ ​​i​​ ​​even​​ ​​think​​ ​​twice​​ ​​before​​ ​​i​​ ​​write​​ ​​your​​ ​​name//​​ ​​isn't​ that​​ ​​just​​ ​​the​ ​most​​ ​​ridiculous​​ ​​thing​​ ​​you've​​ ​​heard?​​ ​​I​​ ​​mean​​ ​​i​​ ​​would​​ ​​laugh​​ ​​out​​ ​​loud​​ ​​if​​ ​​i​​ ​​was​ ​you​​ ​​reading​​ ​​this​ ​thinking​​ ​​that​​ ​​I​​ ​​hesitate ​​before​​ ​​vocalising​ ​your​ ​name​ ​or inking​ ​it//​​ ​​that​​ ​​i​​ ​​contemplate​ ​whether​​ ​​it's​​ ​​a​​ ​​good​​ ​​idea​​ ​​or​​ ​​not//​​ ​​I​​ ​​mean​​ ​​really​​ ​​why​​ ​​do​​ ​​i​ ​even​​ ​​think​​ ​​so​​ ​​much​​ ​​of​​ ​​such​​ ​​a​​ ​​little​​ ​​thing​ ​anyway​​ ​​right?//​​ ​​i​​ ​​wish​​ ​​it​​ ​​was​​ ​​all​​ ​​simple​​ ​​so​​ ​​i​ ​could​​ ​​write​​ ​​your​​ ​​name​​ ​​without​​ ​​it​​ ​​bothering​​ ​​me​​ ​​so​ ​much;​​ ​​so​​ ​​i​​ ​​could​​ ​voice​ ​the​ ​symbols of​ ​​your​​ ​​name​​ ​​like​​ ​​it​​ ​​doesn't​​ ​​affect​​ ​​me​​ ​​the​​ ​​way​​ ​​it​​ ​​does//​​ ​​but​​ ​​nothing's​ ​changing​​ ​​here//​​ ​​i​ ​still​​ ​​hesitate​​ ​​before​​ ​​writing​​ ​​your​​ ​​name​​ ​​because​​ ​​i'm​​ ​​afraid​​ ​​i'll​​ ​​end​​ ​​up​​ ​​using​​ ​​a​ ​capital​ ​letter​​ ​​instead​​ ​​of​​ ​​a​​ ​​lowercase​​ ​​like​​ ​​i​​ ​​do​​ ​​with​​ ​​everyone​​ ​​else's//​​ ​​i'm​​ ​​afraid​​ ​​i'll​​ ​​end​​ ​​up​ ​writing​ ​your​​ ​​name​​ ​​in​​ ​​a​​ ​​way​​ ​​that​​ ​​makes​​ ​​you​​ ​​seem​​ ​​special​​ ​​because​​ ​​you're​​ ​​not​​ ​​special​ ​are​​ ​​you?​​ ​​i'm​ ​lying//​​ ​​you're​​ ​​not​​ ​​just​​ ​​special,​​ ​​you're​​ ​​one​​ ​​of​​ ​​the​​ ​​most​​ ​​important​​ ​​beings​​ ​​to​ ​me​​ ​​and​ ​even​ ​after​ ​all​ ​your​ ​heartbreaks;​ ​if​ ​you​ ​needed​ ​comfort​ ​i'd​ ​be​ ​up​ ​and​ ​away​​ ​to​ ​your​ ​rescue//​ ​​ ​according​ ​to​ ​the​ ​pain​ ​you​ ​gave​ ​me,​ ​you​ ​shouldn't​ ​be​ special​ ​to​ ​me​ ​at​ ​​all//​​ ​but​ ​​i'm​​ ​​still​ ​afraid​​ ​​that​​ ​​if​​ ​​i​​ ​​say​​ ​​your​​ ​​name,​​ ​​my​​ ​​heart​​ ​​will​​ ​​clench​ ​and​​ ​​i'll​​ ​​have​​ ​​to​​ ​​fight​​ ​​between​ ​breathing​​ ​​and​​ ​​not-breathing​​ ​​again//​​ ​​i'm​​ ​​afraid​​ ​​that​​ ​​if​​ ​​i​ ​write​​ ​​your​​ ​​name​​ ​​the​​ ​​way​​ ​​i​​ ​​do​​ ​​i'll​​ ​​hurt​​ ​​my​​ ​​best​​ ​​friend​ ​because​​ ​​she​​ ​​thought​​ ​​i​​ ​​was​​ ​​over​ ​you//​​ ​​i'm​​ ​​afraid​​ ​​if​​ ​​i​​ ​​say​​ ​​your​​ ​​name​​ ​​the​​ ​​way​​ ​i​ ​do​ ​a​ ​smile​ ​will​ ​creep​ ​on​ ​my​ ​face​ ​and​ ​i'll fail​ ​while​ ​wiping​ ​it​ ​away​ ​from​ ​my​ ​sister​ ​because​ ​she​ ​thought​ ​i​ ​had​ ​moved​ ​on​ ​too//​ ​i'm afraid​ ​if​ ​i​ ​write​ ​your​ ​name​ ​i'll​ ​stare​ ​at​ ​it​ ​for​ ​a​ ​moment​ ​longer​ ​than​ ​necessary//​ ​i'm afraid​ ​if​ ​i​ ​say​ ​your​ ​name​ ​​i'll​​ ​​forget​​ ​​to​​ ​​pretend​​ ​​it​​ ​​doesn't​​ ​​mean​​ ​​anything​​ ​​anymore//​​ ​​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​that​​ ​​if​​ ​​i​​ ​​write​​ ​​your​​ ​​name​​ ​​i'll​​ ​​end​​ ​​up​​ ​​writing​​ ​​a​​ ​​whole​​ ​​essay​​ ​​all​​ ​​about​​ ​​you//​ ​and​ ​​​ ​​i'm​ ​afraid​​ ​​if​​ ​​i​​ ​​say​​ ​​your​ ​name​​ ​​i​​ ​​won't​​ ​​be​​ ​​able​​ ​​to​​ ​​keep​​ ​​my​​ ​​voice​​ ​​from​​ ​​breaking​​ ​​a​​ ​​little//​ ​i'm afraid​ ​of​ ​what​ ​you'll​ ​think​ ​if​ ​you​ ​ever​ ​knew​ ​i​ ​never​ ​got​ ​over​ ​you//​ ​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​i​ ​shouldn't expect​ ​anything​ ​because​ ​your​ ​reaction​ ​may​ ​just​ ​break​ ​me​ ​with​ ​cracks​ ​on​ ​my​ ​heart forming​ ​again​ ​and​ ​when​ ​you​ ​turn​ ​your​ ​back​ ​and​ ​walk​ ​away​ ​with​ ​that​ ​this-is-ridiculous look​ ​on​ ​you​ ​face,​ ​you'll​ ​break​ ​me​ ​completely//​ ​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​i​ ​may​ ​not​ ​be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​pick myself​ ​up​ ​again​ ​because​ ​it​ ​won't​ ​be​ ​a​ ​first​ ​time​ ​thing//​ ​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​my​ ​overthinking​ ​will lead​ ​to​ ​depression​ ​and​ ​i​ ​won't​ ​be​ ​happy​ ​anymore//​ ​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​i'll​ ​go​ ​back​ ​to​ ​the unhappy​ ​old​ ​me​ ​i​ ​don't​ ​want​ ​to​ ​have​ ​anything​ ​to​ ​do​ ​with​ ​and​ ​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​i'll​ ​have​ ​to​ ​put myself​ ​together​ ​one​ ​rainy​ ​day​ ​and​ ​realise​ ​that​ ​what's​ ​best​ ​for​ ​me​ ​isn't​ ​you​ ​but​ ​i​ ​won't be​ ​able​ ​to​ ​make​ ​it​ ​out​ ​into​ ​the​ ​cold//​ ​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​i'll​ ​have​ ​to​ ​walk​ ​out​ ​of​ ​your​ ​life​ ​but​ ​i might​ ​stumble​ ​on​ ​the​ ​way//​ ​i'm​ ​afraid​ ​that​ ​it'll​ ​always​ ​be​ ​You.