The Things I Never Said [To You] | inksmoker

the point of vulnerability

26/03/2018

You know what I hate about us humans?

it's that we feel,

we have these emotions that give us the capability to feel

and we feel

we feel with all of our heart, we give it our all

from the thinnest vein inside us to the outer core of our skins,

we feel

and then we cry

and we laugh

we scream

and we smile.

And it's not like you can un-feel or undo how you felt

at a specific moment, or a certain day or even how you've been feeling the whole life you've lived

until you can,

until you don't want to feel anymore

you become this cold person that's remote to the entire world

you've put up your guard, you've distanced yourself from anything that ever made you feel something towards it,

you may still talk to the people who once sprang so many emotions inside of you,

but now whatever they say it clashes against the barrier you've put up

and however much it tries to get past it, it can't

because your walls are concrete strong and you don't feel anything

the way they act, it may have once bothered you but now there's this mantra

branded in your mind and that's what helps you not care,

and not acknowledge it as you would've

if you let yourself continue to feel;

that's what helps you escape from the cruelness you were thrown into 

and it supports you throughout.

I'm tired of feeling

I'm tired of having emotions that are so easily triggered-

just like that,

it's the same old thing

coming and going

coming and going

and everytime life does come around and hit me one more time,

I tell myself it's okay

I'm strong, I know I am, it's nothing I can't handle

however worse it gets, I'll get through it

and I do

I get through it

but in a way that hurts more than it did before

I'm tired of caring

I'm tired of looking out for people who bring out the worst in me-

a terrible side to me

it was never something I was used to till a few days back

coming and going

coming and going

and everytime I care, everything I've ever done wrong is flung right back at me 

and I can't be okay

I feel weak, hopeless and like I can't control the aspects of my life that are set on ruining me

I try

I really do, but it never turns out the way it's supposed to be

it never turns out good for me

I've never been the type of person that gives up

after a breakdown that destroys my all...

when it's really bad, I give up only in the moment

but in the morning when I wake up, I'm okay

I can live-

sometimes it takes a few days to get myself fully back but I always end up returning

to who I am

I don't want that anymore,

I don't want to be okay the next morning or the day after

I just want to not feel altogether

I want to close myself from everything that made me feel 

and I know that's the world thing ever but I just feel tired,

so tired of everything haunting me the way it does,

of everyone hurting me the way they do,

of mistakes I've made that people keep reminding me of

over and over

of thoughts that don't seem to go away

of feelings that feel like going through hell

It's as though they aren't ready to change their perspective of how they see me,

I'm always going to be the girl who puts up a facade 

and when the mask is gone 

they love me but then they don't

and then they do

and it confuses me because I can't tell what everyone is doing

to me

I don't know why I'm always the one to hurt

but I'm tired of that now