A Missed Opportunity

29

✧𝙽𝚘𝚊𝚑✧

Sharing has never been my strong suit. I hated it when my little sister cried for more than half of my chocolate bar, when the stupid kid at the park wanted to play with my red fire truck toy, and I loathed when the pretty girl who shared my desk with me payed more attention to the kid across the room than me right beside her.

See, it applies to sharing attention too. Not all of it and not from everyone, but put the right person in front of me, and I don't want their attention on anyone else.

God help me—Kiara and Cameron are the right people. She and Cameron have been put right in front of me. It hasn't been an issue until now though. I've never had trouble sharing Cameron's attention with Kiara and sharing Kiara's attention with Cameron—It's easy! But add a random guy that makes Kiara giggle and blush like nobody's business, shit gets uncomfortable quick.

I'm around as often as I can be for them, but he's around more still. He's not working, and he doesn't really have any other responsibilities here other than being there for them. So, of course, he's been around my family more than me. I shouldn't hate the little inside jokes Kiara and him apparently seem to have now, but I do. Fuck, I do, and it drives me insane.

What I figured would happen has pretty much happened. At least in my fucked up mind it has. See, what's really probably happening is what's his face is spending a normal amount of time with them, just while I'm not around. What I'm thinking is happening though, is that he's there twenty-four-fucking-seven when I can't be, building this whole relationship with my son and Kiara that I can't have. This whole new relationship built off of shared history and the stability I could never possess in a million years.

Kiara tells me I'm welcome around any time I want. She assures me every time I'm gone that my son misses me, and she updates me on what's happened while I've been away if I can't come over soon enough. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate and love it when I get random pictures of Cameron covered in paint head to toe or when I get a text telling me he just learned a new swear from the tv, and I especially love it when his voice statically booms over my little radio as he excitedly tells me about his day on his own.

But I can never stop myself from wondering how she feels. She never does tell me. Not that I can really complain since she does everything she can to make up for the time I'm missing while I'm not around. I guess some part of me still wants to hear about what she's done today. She says Cameron misses me when I'm gone, but does she miss me too? Does she even care at all? Or is she too entertained by her boyfriend who she still insists isn't her boyfriend?

I don't want to think about her like that much less things like that, but it's hard to wipe it from my thoughts. It's not like I think about that on purpose. I don't know when exactly those kinds of thoughts started popping into my head, so I really can't say what made it start. I just know that I can't stop thinking about her. Not just that one, blurry night we first spent together, but the way she smiles too. The way she laughs, and the way she looks at Cameron. The way she somehow managed to smoothen out our first meeting and our relationship for us to make it easy for us to just get to know each other—making it all nice and clear for us that neither one has any reservations about the other. The way she cares enough to do that.

I wish I'd stopped drinking that night. The moment she tilted her head and looked away from me while I ordered one after the other. I wish I'd stopped myself. Sobered up some and took the time to talk to her more. She ultimately had been the one to ask if I wanted to find somewhere quieter, but I wish I'd just kept my mouth shut and not asked her if talking was really what she wanted. I should've just gone with her—somewhere quiet where we could continue to actually talk.