"But the heart sometimes blindly seeks suffering."
- Albert Camus
. . .
Dante Valentino
"Dante?"
I looked down at Leyla. She was standing in the middle of the living room, wrapped in a blanket, tears on her face and books scattered around her.
"Where are Gio and Fabi?" I asked.
"They're at a meeting. I made them go. Are you okay?"
I stared at her. "How can you look at me?"
She frowned. "What do you mean?"
"Nothing." I made a move to get back into the elevator when her voice stopped me.
"You can wait here!" She rushed out. "For Gio and Fabi, I mean. If you want. They should be here soon." Of course, they would. They were physically incapable of leaving her alone for too long.
I looked at her as she lowered herself on an armchair, resting her head against the wing. She looked right back, wiping away the tears from her face.
Why were all of us so fucking miserable?
I lowered myself on another armchair, across her. She picked up a book, setting her eyes on the text but I knew she wasn't reading. I stared out the window.
"Dante."
"Yes, Leyla."
"Are you okay?"
"No. Are you okay?"
She shook her head, curls bouncing. "Do you..." She gulped. "Do you want me to marry Gio and Fabi?"
I tilted my head. She needed reassurance. Too many people didn't want her to marry them. "Yes," I said. "Yes, I do."
"Okay," she whispered.
"Is this all just about that?" I asked. "Not feeling worthy of them?"
She shrugged her narrow shoulders. "That. And some other."
Some other. I knew I was the creator of one of them. Rosa's death had started all of this. I had messed her up. I had made it harder for her. And she was my brothers' woman. I just couldn't stop hurting them, could I?
"Leyla."
"Yes?"
"I killed all of them."
She frowned. "Who?"
"Everyone who touched her. You told me you wanted anyone who touched her when she was in the system to die. I did it." I gulped. "Does that help?"
She paused, eyes wide, but then she nodded. "Yes. That helps. Thank you, Dante. I...I promised her I'd do it after she died. I promised her that and then I...then I fell apart and I couldn't do it."
"All that matters is that they're dead."
"How..." She hesitated. "How many were there?"
"I don't think you want to know that."
She frowned but then ducked her head, nodding once. "You're right. What's bothering you? Did you fight with Lily?"
"Kind of."
She was calming to talk to. Not more than Blue, but I couldn't talk to Blue right now. I had left her. My phone was buzzing. I had texted her that I was okay. I didn't want her to worry too much. But I didn't want to be around her right now. Not when I was like this. I couldn't let her see me like this.
"She is nice," Leyla said, pulling me out of my thoughts. She picked a blanket from the couch. "Do you want one? It's really soft."
I frowned. Did I need a blanket? No. I nodded anyway. She gave it to me and I wrapped myself in it. It was soft.
She smiled. "I like her."
"I do, too," I muttered.
She wrapped her blanket tighter around herself, blinking at me. "What's wrong, Dante?"
I decided to answer. "I told her about hurting Gio and Fabi when we were captured by Igor."
"They hurt you too. The Creeds hurt you, too. It was a fucked up situation."
My jaw clenched. "It was."
"And before that, your parents made you hurt them. They all made you. You never chose to hurt them." She smiled at me. "Have you ever chosen to hurt them, Dante?"
I shook my head. "No."
"Then blame your parents. Blame Igor. Blame the world. Don't blame yourself."
"You're good with words."
"Because I am right." She grinned at me.
"You need to start blaming others, too. It's not your fault people can't deal with you being with Giovanni and Fabiano. They'd fall apart without you, Leyla. So you belong more than anyone in our Mafia. You're needed more than anyone."
She gave me a small smile. "You're being nice. Lily needs to stay."
I couldn't help but smile back. "She does."
. . .
I walked into the penthouse. Fabi and Gio didn't return, so only Leyla and I talked. I had never particularly minded her presence, but now I liked it.
Lily was sitting on the armchair, head ducked over a book. She hadn't texted me after the text I sent.
I took off my suit jacket and set it down with the blanket Leyla had given me.
Lily looked up and folded her arms against her chest, sniffling. "You..." She gulped. "You don't get to say stuff like that."
"Blue-"
"No, listen to me." She threw her book away, and that told me how angry she was. "You don't get to say stuff like that!"
"Baby-"
"Don't Baby me." She ran her hands through her hair, pacing the living room. "Do you know how scared I was before you decided to text me you were okay? I kept thinking something happened, and it killed me. You don't...you don't get to do that Dante. You don't get to fucking rip into my heart and own it and then take yourself away."
I couldn't believe what she was saying. "I...I didn't think you'd be this bothered."
"Why wouldn't I be?" She demanded. "You're..." She tugged at her hair, eyes still furious. "You're everything."
"Blue. Baby." I grabbed her, stopping her pacing. "What are you talking about?"
She looked up at them, too vulnerable. All mine. "I don't like the idea of you not being here," she said. "I hate it. You're never going away. I don't care that you think you deserve anything bad. You don't. I don't care that others might think otherwise. I don't want you gone. I want you here. I need you here." She cupped my face. "You said I'm yours. But you're mine too. So you're never going away. I won't allow it."
I couldn't help but grin. I couldn't remember the last time I had grinned. "My baby won't allow it, hm?"
She shook her head stubbornly. "I won't."
"I'm not going anywhere then. If you need me, I'll always be here."
"Good." She snuggled against my chest, wrapping her arms around me. "And if you storm out like that again I will be mad."
"I won't."
"Okay."
I dug my face into her hair. "I am yours," I said.
"And I am yours."
I smiled.
. . .
Thots?
