Captivated by shadows [h.s.]

23.

Voluntary dependence is the most beautiful state; and how would that be possible without love!
Johann W. von Goethe

Voluntary dependence is the most beautiful state. Once again, one of the many quotes is haunting my mind and for the first time I have the feeling that I know the answer to a question.

And how would that be possible without love?

I know it, dear Johann. This condition is possible when you are kidnapped by four men and have to marry one of them to protect yourself and your family.

I don't love Harry. I don't even like him and yet today is the day I sign the papers and officially become his wife.

Harry hasn't spoken a single word to me today, let alone to the others. I guess he's just as annoyed by the whole thing as I am. In my opinion, his life is just as shitty as mine is at the moment and committing to someone you don't like is taking it to the extreme once again.

I know that it won't be a marriage like all the others who have voluntarily decided to get married.

I know that Harry will continue to fuck other women in the toilet of a bar like he did yesterday.

I know Harry's not going to be any nicer to me.

I know Harry doesn't give a shit about me, just as I don't care about him.

I know that it will be as if we had never signed a contract, and yet I was nervous. I didn't know why exactly.

My gaze wanders to the gold ring that Harry put on my finger yesterday. It's strange to be wearing something that belonged to him and at the same time to see him sitting next to me with my ring on his finger. I could see the black nail polish peeling off his nails, which had looked almost perfect a fortnight ago.

He sat on the dark brown wooden chair next to me with his eyes down and his arms folded while Eduardo explained to us how everything would work in the future. I wasn't listening to him, and I'm almost certain that Harry's mind was somewhere else too.

I don't know why, but for the first time I felt something like pity for Harry.

If he really is related to Eduardo by blood, has he ever had a choice in his entire life, or was he born into this?

Was Eduardo his father? His brother? His uncle? He said they were related by blood, but no matter what family member he was impersonating, who would marry off their son, brother, nephew to someone when you could clearly see it would make them more than unhappy?

For the first time, I wondered if Harry ever had a choice in all the bad things he had to do, or if he was forced to do them.

What if Eduardo forced him to shoot the man in the alley?

My heart tightened. I didn't like Harry, but he's only 22 years old. No one that young should do things like that.

How long had Harry been doing such unmentionable things?

He's still so young, and I'm pretty sure he didn't just start doing stuff like this three weeks ago.

Did he already have to kill people when he was younger?