Captivated by shadows [h.s.]

31.

Who am I, and how do I want to be?

A question that has been on my mind for several years now.

Who was I before I met Harry, and who am I now after all the things that have happened to me?

In the end, it doesn't matter who I am at the moment. All that matters is who I want to be in the future, but who do I want to be?

I want to be someone that people only have good things to say about when I'm not around. Someone to contact when you're not feeling well and to think about when something happens, whether good or bad.

I want people to feel comfortable around me because I have such a self-confident charisma that they feel safe and secure with me.

I want to be someone who is not afraid to take risks. Someone who is courageous and savours every second of life, because it is simply far too short to mope around and feel sorry for yourself.

I want to be strong and laugh about things that have gone wrong instead of taking them to heart.

I never want to be in a position again where I have to bend my morals for someone I love more than myself.

I want to love myself.

I shouldn't care if others don't have anything nice to say about me, or if they don't treat me the way I deserve to be treated, or the way a normal person is supposed to be treated.

I don't want it to hurt me when bad people live up to their reputation and do bad things and treat me badly. And yet I'm sitting here with my thoughts on Harry.

Sighing, I lie down in Niall's bed. I'm glad he offered to swap rooms, so I didn't have to lie in my bed—where Harry had sex with someone else.

I think deep down, I had to admit to myself that all the anger I had for him was actually just a front to distract from the obvious.

I was disappointed.

Not because he'd shagged someone else, but because after everything we've been through together, he still treats me as if he doesn't care about how I feel.

But maybe he wasn't just pretending, and he really didn't care how I was doing?

I could've guessed that nothing would change just because we had a good moment. Just because he laughed with me and didn't complain when we were lying in the rain together doesn't mean that we suddenly got on well, even if I had liked it so much.

I'm not asking him to have the kind of friendship that Niall and I have. Without sounding sentimental, I think the kind of friendship Niall and I have is something special, and you don't find platonic love like that in everyone.

Why is it still so important to me to get on well with Harry?

I mean, he wasn't even really nice to me. He made it clear more than once that he didn't care about me and that he didn't care what happened to me.

Can't I just leave it alone?

Harry claims all the time that it's better for all of us if he behaves like this towards me, and I wonder why he sees it that way.

Wouldn't it be nicer if we weren't constantly arguing as if we were in kindergarten?

A knock on the door of my room snapped me out of my thoughts.

"Yes?" I ask and the door slowly opens, when I realise who has entered, I roll my eyes and cross my arms in front of my chest. "What are you doing here, Harry?" I sit back up on the mattress and watch him close the door again behind him and walk more into the room.