Till Forever Falls Apart

36).Anika

ANIKA

“The next time I woke up, I was in the hospital, groggy and disoriented.” Zane said with a faraway look. 

I knew he was reliving that night which was the reason for his nightmares. I hated to see him in pain. I hated that he was hurting so bad. But I couldn't do anything. I'm feeling so fucking helpless.

We were sitting on his bed. He was sitting with his head against the headboard, staring at the ceiling. His, usually full of life, eyes filled with tears of desperation, hate and sooo much pain. 

I didn't say anything, didn't acknowledge his words with the fear that he would stop. Although it was hurting me to see him in pain, I knew he needed to get this off his chest. 

“When I looked beside me, I found my mom looking at me with so much care and love that I never got from her. I was so fucking shocked to see that look on her face that I forgot about the whole accident.” He sucked in a harsh breath and continued, “Then I suddenly remembered. I remembered how we were fighting, how much I hurt him and then suddenly stopped the car in the middle of the road while it was snowing and how a truck out of nowhere crashed into us. I remembered every fucking thing and asked my mother where my best friend was. She didn't answer. She just looked at me with grief and sadness and I knew. I just knew that something bad had happened. I asked her again and again with anger mixed with desperation. I just wanted her to say ‘Michael is fine, baby.’ But she instead said that he didn't make it.”

Then, for the first time since he'd started to tell me about his past trauma, he looked at me. With so much fucking pain.  It looked like a storm was brewing behind those beautiful ocean blue eyes of his, that I've come to love. 

“She told me that my best friend, who's always been there for me, who shared his happiness, his toys, hell, his parents with me is no more. I called her a liar and said that she's lying and that I don't believe her. But then Michael's parents came inside my room and as soon as I looked at Martha and Ethan’s faces, I knew. I knew that she wasn't lying. Their tormented and grief filled faces. I still can't get that look out of my mind. It's still fresh as if it had happened just yesterday. I wanted them to shout at me, curse me, tell me that it should've been me who should've died instead of Mickky because that's how I was feeling. That's how I still feel. It was all my fault that we were fighting, my fault that we were out in the place, my fault for stopping the car in the middle of no fucking where. My fucking fault.” He shouted those last words and was shaking like a leaf. 

He looked so broken that it hurt my heart. This was the same Zane, who has made my life filled with so much love, understanding and happiness. Even though it hurts so much I felt really lucky that he was sharing his real self with me. 

I slowly and carefully, like my one wrong move could break him, cup his face with my hands and wipe his tears but new tears came out in their place. 

“I hate myself so fucking much for that night. Hate that because of me my best friend died, hate that Martha and Ethan lost their only son because of me. I feel so hollow that sometimes all I want to do is follow him and give up everything.” He said with so much anguish that tears came into my eyes. 

“Shh…it was not your fault, Z. It was an accident.” I said quietly.

“No. It was my fault. No matter what anyone says, I know that he…died because of me.” He said while shaking his head.

I know, no matter what I say he's not going to believe it. He's believed in this for the last five years, it won't go away in one night but I'll do my best to make him realize that it, in fact, was not his fault. And one he would believe me. 

But for me all I wanted to do was remove this pain from his face.

So, I sat on my knees in front of him and slowly kissed his forehead, then his eyes. I kissed his tears, his cheeks, his jaw, the corner of his lips and then looked at him from below my lashes and asked him with a whisper, “Can I kiss you, Z?” 

He looked at me like he was some angel, who he couldn't believe was sitting right in front of him. 

“You still want to be with me? After everything I told you?” He asked in a shocking voice.

“You gave me the real you and I'll forever be grateful for that, Z. Now, I know I've never kissed someone before but I really want you to be my first and hopefully my last.” I told him with a smile.

“I don't deserve you, firefly.” He said with anguish.

“I can decide for myself, Z. Now, I'm going to ask this again and you better answer in positive only. Can I kiss you?” I said in a breathy voice.

“Yes, firefly. Yes.” He said in a whisper.

And then I crushed my lips on his.