Never Knew

Wondering

Ayame's point of view

Something didn't feel right. I didn't realize it, but the other day something bothered Rikimaru.

I saw a change in him, like a slight worry or sorrow in his eye. I had been so concerned with everything else that I didn't notice.

It most likely was about Tatsumaru, which I don't blame him for. I thought a lot about him since the last time I saw him.

It's strange how one doesn't appreciate someone or the things they do, till they are gone. We assume they will always be there, so we don't appreciate them as much as we should. This makes us not prepare for when they are no longer with us, and we are left alone.

Alone. I know this word very well. Even with other people present, I have always felt alone. Honestly, that was not entierly true. I felt alone when I did not remember anything when Master Shiunsai found me, besides my name and age. I felt alone when Master did not know what to do with me, being a girl. I felt alone when I tried to learn many styles of fighting, but could not master one. I felt alone when Tatsumaru betrayed the Azuma ninja clan. I felt alone when Master Shiunsai was killed. I felt alone when Tatsumaru killed himself. I felt alone when I thought Rikimaru was gone.

I felt alone.

Being a woman, a ninja, not married, the fact that I don't always follow the rules, that's not what makes me feel alone. It's the feeling that without something, you have no purpose. For me, my purpose was to keep the promise I made to Princess Kiku.

I must protect Princess Kiku and serve Lord Gohda. Without them, I feel as if I have no purpose.

I had not always felt this way. I thought I had a purpose when I was younger. I believed that Tatsumaru was the man I loved, that I would be a great ninja, and would always be strong. I did care for Tatsumaru so much, I even remember telling him I would marry him. I remember trying to master any style of fighting Master Shiunsai trained me for, to become an amazing ninja. I remember believing I was strong enough to kill Tatsumaru for the greater good.

But none of those things came true.

Though at times I face deadly moments, the biggest fear to me is not death, but not being there to protect Princess Kiku. I know Rikimaru has returned, and he is strong, but I do not want to rely on anyone to do something that is my duty.

Though if I had to leave it to someone other than me to protect her, if I were no longer here, he would be the one.

So much has changed in the time that Rikimaru was gone. I have changed as well. Long before he dissapered, I told myself I would become strong that way nobody can take away anything that I cared for. So when he was gone, I felt like I failed. I felt as if i was not strong enough so that is why he was taken away from me. I knew I had to become stronger. Before that, I told my self 'no more crying, I gotta be tough now' so I did not let one tear fall.

From that day forward I became stronger, trained myself to prepare for something like that to happen. I didn't let my emotions run me, but I ran my emotions. But can anyone really be prepared when someone you care for is no longer with you?

No, we can never really prepare. We just have to know, one day it will happen. It happens to everyone. It's life, but life goes on. Yes it's hard, but it is not impossible. We must make peace with it, and let it not ruin our lives.

'For the past, no change can be done. But for the future, can be preparation.' I remember Master Shiunsai told me this whenever I would get angry or feel sad.

I remember when I didn't understand what it meant, so I didn't care to think about what the meaning was.

It seems as if the older you get, that you realize you should have listened more. Paid more attention to teachings and learned from past mistakes. Master always taught me lessons that at the time I thought were not important, he always told me there is always a lesson to learn. I now know Master was right, I just wished it didn't take me so long to realize that.

Even with Master gone, I still learn, and I know there is much more to learn.