Just The Benefits (PUBLISHED)

Kabanata 21

#JustTheBenefits

Kabanata 21 

"Ano?" I asked him. Hindi ko maintindihan kung ano ang sinabi niya o kung ano ang gusto niyang ipahiwatig. Bantayan ako? Ano ako? Isang bata na maliligaw ng landas dahil lang wala 'yung boyfriend niya?

But instead of answering my question, Quin just shook his head. He's just adding fuel to my already burning frustration. Nakakainis. Nakakainis na ang dami kong hindi alam at mas lalo niya pa iyong dinadagdagan. Isang taon na kami ni Parker... aakalain mo na sa tagal namin ay marami na akong alam tungkol sa kanya but damn I was so wrong. Niloko ko lang pala ang sarili ko. I made myself believe that I knew him when in fact, I knew almost nothing about him. Nakakatawa na sa isang taon na naging kami, ni hindi ko man lang nakilala ang sinuman mula sa pamilya niya.

I felt like some dirty laundry he's hiding from the whole world. Nakakapangliit. Nakakababa sa pakiramdam.

"Wala," he said. He attempted na buhatin muli ako pero itinaas ko ang kamay ko and motioned him to stop. He looked utterly frustrated with me but so was I. Nagsisimula na naman akong mainis. Ni wala nga akong ideya kung nasaan si Parker at kung bakit sa tingin niya kailangan akong alagaan at bantayan ni Quin. "Imo, please."

I looked at him. Pagod na rin naman ako at ayoko ng makipagtalo pero pagod na rin kasi ako na pinagmumukha niya akong tanga—nila. I wanted to be friends with Quin, really, pero kung ganito na lang palagi ang mangyayari... siguro 'wag na muna. Hindi ko kasi kayang maging kaibigan iyong tao na alam kong hindi nagiging matapat sa akin.

"Quin, I can take care of myself."

He snatched a quick look at my swollen ankle and then looked back at me. "Yeah, looks like it."

I shook my head. Magkaibigan nga sila ni Parker. Pareho silang magulo at pareho silang hindi marunong umintindi kung ano ang gusto kong mangyari. Kapag sinabi kong hindi, sa tingin nila oo ang ibig kong sabihin. Hindi ko alam kung bingi ba sila o hindi lang talaga nila siniseryoso ang mga desisyon ko.

"Quin, Parker and I—we're not exactly together right now. And frankly, I need this space. Kailangan kong huminga na hindi naiisip na nasa paligid ko lang siya..."

"He's not here."

"But you are."

Quin stared at me. Alam ko na alam niya ang ibig kong sabihin. Kaya lang naman siya nandito ay dahil iniutos sa kanya ni Parker na bantayan ako. I appreciate the gesture but I didn't think I needed it. Malaki na ako. I can handle my own business.

"Don't worry, kakausapin ko si Parker at sasabihin ko sa kanya na hindi mo na ako kailangang bantayan," I told him. He's a good friend. Alam ko naman na may sariling buhay si Quin pero heto siya at binantayan ako. Parker's lucky to have someone like him. Too bad I can't really think of him as my own friend hanggang mayroong mga sikreto sa pagitan namin ni Parker. I always felt like I was being blindsided with every move I make.

He still wasn't saying anything so I took that as my cue to start limping away. Every step was a shot of pain but it felt better this way. Mas wala akong koneksyon kay Parker, mas magiging madali ang lahat kung sakali na wala na talaga kaming pag-asa... Truth was, I was scared shitless. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula kung sakali na tapos na kami ni Parker. I realized he's a part of my life and I can't even begin to imagine living a life without him.

Yes, I could live without him... Just like the sky without its dragons, the forest without its fairies, and the ocean without its mermaid. I would live but the magic would be gone.

He's my magic, my pixie dust, my stroke of wand. It just wouldn't feel as exciting when he's gone.

Nasa limang hakbang pa lang ang nagagawa ko—five extremely excruciating steps—when someone lifted me from the ground.