I can tell she is getting more worse. My best friend and sister, is.. getting more.. foul.. with her words. Of course, I was used to this, thinking it was just a part of her. But it's becoming bad. And of course, our other friends don't really seem to care. They joked that they might've been the reason why Milo has gotten so foul. And I can see it. But maybe.. just maybe.. if I had never joked around, or joined in their conversation, she wouldn't have spoken so..
I'm starting to also notice a pattern with me. I blame myself one way or another about something, as if I'd know what would happen. And I don't. I know that I can't know what'll happen if I do a specific action. But I hate that I can't. I'm a joking, sarcastic person in a world that despises that. Of course no one really likes me, because they don't understand my jokes, and now, with my best friend, the friend I currently have that can really only understand me, she almost wants to push herself away from everyone and thing because she sees herself so badly.
Today, while I was hanging out with them in a call and playing a video game as usual, and I joked about eating Milo's character's hat. In response, she loudly said a.. pretty disgusting joke about-... I won't go on about it here. Not now.
I think I have only got her upset by spamming her to see if she was okay. She's getting more worse, and I don't know how I can help it. She has signs of BPD, and I wouldn't disagree if she did have it. I didn't think it would affect so much, yet, how wrong I was. Why did I even think that? It's not a walk in the park for both her AND me. I don't blame her at all for it, but.. it's getting hard for me to want to be with her. I want to help, and I really don't want to lose a very important friend of mine, but.. I don't know how I can, and if she keeps being this way...
And I'm scared to explain this to her. I'm scared of how she'll react. I'm scared if she doesn't want to change. I'm scared if I ask, she'll stop talking with me and.. I'm just scared of the likely outcome. I was able to talk about my own problems, and she too, with her own, but yet.. when my problem is starting to become her, I am scared to say something about it. I wasn't so with my mom, why should I be with her?... is it because she is way too important for me to possibly lose?... Maybe.
Is what I'm doing stupid?
Maybe.
All I know is that I am way too young to be dealing with these kinds of things. Yet.. I don't know if I have any other choices. All I can do is try. Like I always have done in everyday life.
Today was supposed to be a good day. Yet.. I ruined it all. I shouldn't hang out with them.
But I am so desperate for any kind of friend. Even one that might hurt me in the end.
Is that pretty stupid of me?
Yes. I would think so.
